Why We Love Alcohol

Who doesn’t love drinking? I know I do, and unless you have some medical problems we don’t know about or are abstaining for religious or moral reasons, you probably love consuming fresh, delicious alcohol too.

The wonderful versatility of this drug lets us consume it in dozens of forms, so there’s one for every palate: is wine your thing? There’s plenty. Maybe the bitter taste of beer leaves you feeling more refreshed. There’s a whole world of them out there.

Delicious, Delicious Variety

Hard liquor what you need to get through the day? No worries, alcohol’s in all of those, too! And there are hundreds! Fruit-filled drinks that taste more like sugary juices than any kind of traditional alcoholic beverage? Sure, why the hell not?

With all that’s out there to choose from, and with our homes, apartments, bars, clubs, outdoor festivals, alleys, and bathrooms as suitable and enjoyable places where we can enjoy a drink, what’s stopping us from drinking all the time? I mean, really, why don’t we?

Drunk at Work

Two centuries ago, in America, the average citizen put away an absolutely unbelievable amount of gin or other strong alcohol per day. Most people were drunk—quite drunk—by the time they started the second half of their workday. Sure, workplace accidents were legion and the health benefits were nil, but so what?

Alright, maybe my dream of an alchohol-fueled workforce is outdated and irresponsibly dangerous. Maybe drinking isn’t something that needs to be the absolute center of our lives, lest we lapse into alcoholism and early deaths by the thousands. But besides those sad possibilities, there’s a much worse consequence: the dreaded hangover.

Consequences: May Range from Mild to Unbelievably Nauseating and Painful

The sickness, occasional vomiting, general feeling of complete depression: all these things alcohol leaves us as its wonderful parting gift. Is there any way around it? Sure. Don’t drink. But what if we want to keep drinking, and yet keep our jobs, our lives, our mental health?

With just that in mind, ryoni.com is now going to give you the two most fundamental, absolute, you-must-always-follow-these rules for avoiding, destroying, or getting around a hangover.

These are not little magic recipes involving eggs and wheat germ or strange other things you’ve got to consume the morning after. These are the two (and you only need two) tried-and-true ways to actually AVOID or seriously REDUCE your hangover altogether, which is all that really matters.

Rule Number One: If You Mix Alcohol, Never Increase the Strength.

In other words, if you start with beer, which is generally the lowest-alcohol drink you can find, try and stick with beer. Everyone knows that the drunker you get, the easier it is to consume, but there are other problems, hidden ones, too, if you don’t heed this rule.

See, it’s not just that you don’t feel the alcohol content when you’re downing that whiskey at the end of the night as though it was the same as that beer you had hours before. It’s also crucial for your hangover, and for the way your body deals with the alcohol itself.

Throwing a whole bunch of different drinks and alcohol percentages at your stomach mean your liver is going to be processing them at wildly varying rates, and thus will be operating at less than full capacity.

It’s Far Too Easy to Confuse Your System

Sure, if you simply drink ‘too much’ wine you’ll get plenty sick regardless, but by mixing it up, you’re confusing the hell out of your body’s system to process alcohol, which might mean that, in switching from wine to beer to vodka, you can stave off vomiting like you wouldn’t if you threw back 10 rum & cokes in an row, but you will pay the price (dearly) the next day.

Why? Because the next day, your liver and brain will still be going through that encyclopedia of alcohol you’ve thrown at them and telling you to never do it again.

Stick with one or two ‘types’, relatively close in alcohol content. Strong beer and mild wine are a good example. This can really, really, really save your ass.

It’s the difference bewteen a mildly annoying hangover you’ve gotta ’shake off’ and one that debilitates you for the day. Your workplace will thank you for making the responsible decision.

Rule Number Two: Water is Your Friend.

You’ve probably heard about the ‘chase every drink with a pint of water‘ rule. I have never, in my life, ever, seen anyone following this maxim, partly because it’s easy to forget, and secondly because the quantity of liquid inevitably slows down your alcohol consumption. It’s simply not possible to throw back that second pint when you’ve laid down a half-litre of water just beforehand.

Ah, but you say—that’s the whole point! It slows down your consumption AND hydrates you, thus conferring a double benefit! No. That’s only a benefit if you’re being responsible and thinking about every step before you take it, which goes exactly against the image of a wanton drinker, throwing back pints with reckless abandon. We’re here to drink and have fun, not keep a drink diary and file a report the next morning, fresh as dew.

Cram that Precious Water Down Your Throat

Not to worry, though, as there’s a better way to use your new best friend, mister water. Although it’s the equivalent of studying for 15 hours the night before a big exam, we’ve all done that before, right? And this time there’s no exam, just a hangover waiting to punish you. So cram away.

All you have to do is drink about 2-3 litres of water before you go to sleep. Of course, if you are stumbling around blind drunk, on the verge of vomiting or blacking out, there’s no way you are going to get that much water down, so you’re already a lost cause. But if you’re just feeling “really drunk” and have to, say, work the next day? Get over to that tap and stay there for at least a half hour.

Should You Take An Aspirin, Too?

A lot of people also swear by the painkiller method in combination with this–something NOT containing acetominophen, which will destroy your liver when it’s already extremely busy with the alcohol, but say, ibuprofen, which will just be heavy on your stomach and kidneys but leave your liver alone.

Again, no one ever really recommends taking pills after you’ve drank a lot, so we are definitely not recommending it here, just mentioning that some (reckless) people swear by it as something to reduce any potential headaches the next day. But it runs a big risk.

Back to the water, which doesn’t have much of a risk at all: it’s the key. It’s not easy, and you’re going to have to force literally pint after pint of water down your throat when the only thing you want to do is go to sleep, but in the end, I swear, your body will thank you dearly.

The Price Your Bladder Will Pay

If you have a weak bladder, you’ll be getting up once during the night to hit the bathroom, or when you wake up in the morning you are going to be absolutely racing to the toilet, but it’s a very small price to pay for a day free of the hangover.

It’s not great for your bladder, sure, but is bombing your body with alcohol and then letting it process it all during the night any better? The phyiscal pain your body goes through during a hangover is probably just as damaging as a bit of extra water you’ve gotta hold during the night (but then again, I’m no doctor).

As for your hangover, if you’ve followed this method: it changes completely. It’s still there, somewhat, but the worst manifestation you’ll probably get is a kind of mild depression, which then gets alleviated by caffeine and other alcoholic beverages you start consuming later on in the day.

A Hangover That Actually Feels Kinda Nice, We Swear

In other words, the absolute best kind of hangover, the one that brings you just a touch down and then leaves you feeling relieved and happy every time you take yourself back up (with a meal, sugar, coffee, another beer, whatever).

A final maxim: DO NOT partake of this ‘cure’ the next morning and expect miracles. By all means, if you went immediately to sleep, drink lots of water in the morning. Regardless of anything else, that’s a good idea. But don’t expect it to work like the night-time cure does.

Why This Only Works the Night Before

So do not give your body the chance to digest only alcohol all night. By the time you wake up, your brain will have been asking for water for several hours, and your body, due to your lack of intake, will have been unable to provide it. Giving it a little bit the morning after is simply not enough.

See, after your night of alcohol digestion and processing, and a lack of water, your brain will contract slightly, giving you the hangover headache that will ruin your day.

Don’t let it happen! Give your brain what it wants, annoy your bladder somewhat, and drink water BEFORE bed. Lots of it.

We welcome any other sure-fire hangover cures in the comments!

Guys like drummers. Guys especially (myself included here) like insane drummers, legends who could pound those drum-skins into complete oblivion, who had a strange, reckless, devil-may-care abandon when it came to drumming, who seemed possessed by satan and never once apologized for it. These guys were madmen, kings on earth, usually with outsized personalities that made them near-impossible to work with but amazing to listen to when all was said and done.

We’ve thought long and hard, and have now come up with what we think are the definitive five most insane drummers in history. There might be a few more technically skilled (you can find me 20 metal drummers who can probably do more insane things than these guys) and others who we just don’t feel like putting on here (Neal Peart), so take issue all you want. It doesn’t matter.

There are plenty of tributes to those wonderful studio musicians all over the internet and in every tired classic rock magazine out there, but that’s not what we’re looking for. We want that inspirational drumming, that weird drumming, that insanley over-the-top drumming that doesn’t just make you think “wow, this guy sure is talented!” but instead “holy shite my ears are melting in the face of such thundering drum power” and other such hyperbole.

These and these guys alone would make the cut for the celestial all-star drumming team, if God were somehow forced to assemble a super all-star team of monster drummers. He will be, one day.

Gene Krupa

Benny Goodman’s drummer for a long period, Krupa started the whole drummer-with-insane-facial-expressions movement, as I like to call it. One of the most entertaining classic jazz drummers ever, Krupa isn’t the most technically accomplished, but is extremely fun to watch and brings giant personality to everything he did. Check out this youtube video for proof. Or this one. There’s nothing like a sweating, insane Krupa all dressed up in his 1940s-era band uniform, going absolutely mad on a minimalist jazz kit.

Buddy Rich

Our other jazz choice. Although I think other drummers have better recorded stuff, Buddy Rich is a classic oversized musician, with the domineering personality, the straight-A asshole behaviour pattern, and the madman drumming chops to back it all up. Here he is battling Animal from the Muppet Show (in Italian, no less). There are secret recordings of Buddy Rich’s rants against his bandmates, several of which were cherished for many years by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, who actually used direct lines of his on Seinfeld. You can hear some of those classic tapes here. A true madman.

Keith Moon

The only drummer on this list to actually be certified insane (no), Ketih Moon was a psychopathic musician who did for rock drumming what… well, what a ton of other innovators did for a bunch of other instruments. Mostly using a stripped-down kit like his jazz heroes, Moon managed to make the Who’s early recordings sound so damn full of energy and life, thanks to his insane rolls and incredible speed, that he became an instant legend. The best story ever about him: he never owned a drumset, and would only practice in studios or at other people’s houses before the Who were about to go out on tour. He’d forget most of what he knew, but by the time he re-learned everything (in a matter of days) he was better than before. See him here.

Terry Bozzio

Frank Zappa’s drummer. I guess that’s all that needs to really be said, since Frank Zappa was rather insane, thus making Terry Bozzio equally nuts when onstage with him. Check out this clip from Baby Snakes to see him in action. Youtube is full of slightly boring footage of Bozzio setting up his billion-drum set and drumming for Korn and all the rest of it, but to really appreciate the weirdness of this guy, you have to see him playing with Zappa. Just watch this clip and listen to the lyrics of this song, and try to think of another mainstream drummer who’s done stuff like this before. Ignore his later stuff and he easily fits on this list.

Jon Bonham

Led Zeppelin’s drummer was booming and massive and didn’t really play with the technical skills of the rest of these guys, but was amazing because he pounded away behind a bunch of Led Zeppelin’s heaviest, loudest stuff, and his massively long solos for Moby Dick are, instead of being technical examples of superfast drumming, big showcases for how much he could pound the hell out of his drumkit. Like Keith Moon, he died relatively young from some excessive drinking and partying, but while he was around, he was a massive force behind the drums. Check out a part of Moby Dick here, and listen to a song like Rock and Roll from the remastered How the West Was Won (youtube clip here, but you need good quality for this stuff, so buy it) to understand how loud and awesome he could get.

Thoughts, comments, other drummers you think fit this bill? Tell us! Now!

That’s right, here are some of the sexiest cities in Europe, the legendary and the newly-established hotspots where you can arrive, hit the town, and… get it on. Some are classics, some are unexpected, all are full of romantic potetntial you’d be a fool to squander.

Rome

Ah, this is my current city, and thus the one that comes first. It’s the eternal city, as they say, but not necessarily known as the most romantic place on earth—the chaos and improvisational nature of Italian life mean it’s not as easily insta-romantic as, say, Paris. But, hey, it’s Rome, so don’t worry.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: Head out for a relaxing walk through some of Rome’s classic old neighbourhoods, ones like Trastevere and Testaccio, until you settle upon a small Osteria for dinner. Use a site like spottedbylocals to pick one that’s authentic and delicious. After dinner, hop in a cab and get back into the historical center, grab a gelato by the Pantheon, and then walk through the small streets until you’re back at your hotel/hostel. Before you go in for the night, throw back a 1-euro coffee in a nearby bar for some extra strength. Get it corretto (correct, which means with a shot of alcohol in it) and you’ll be set.

If You Don’t: It’s legal to drink outdoors in Rome, but if you’re a tourist here, it’s best not to go overboard (actually, it’s currently illegal after 9PM, but hopefully only for a temporary period). They say you’re stuck chatting up other tourists and travellers because of the inaccessible, overly protected ‘Italian female’, but that’s just an old stereotype. Head to San Lorenzo, the student district by the train station, use a site like Roma Zero to find a club night, show, or bar with a DJ that fits what you like, and go in. Drink, dance, and talk to the Italians and see what happens.

Paris

What to say about Paris.. it’s expensive, one of the most touristed destinations on the planet, but also one of the most incredible cities ever. Can you break through the cliched expectations of French romance and actually pull something off? Of course you can.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: You’ve got it easy. Get some good beer at a Brasserie in the afternoon, hit up a chocolate shop or two and keep walking it off, eat somewhere in the Marais district (near the Picasso museum), hit up another brasserie for some more wine, take a bottle to go, and end your night on the Pont Des Artistes, spanning the Seine. Tons of young people go and sit there until 2AM, eating, drinking, singing, laughing, making out. It’s romantic, fun, drunk, and beautiful as all hell, and by the time you get back to your bed you’ll both be going mad.

If You Don’t: Head over to the Bastille district, grab a beer or two with whoever you’re with on the steps of the Opera House (the new, less beautiful one), then head up the street to the wonderful concentration of bars there. Move in and out, drinking, chatting, embarassing yourself in French, and see what happens. Far better here than wandering the now-deserted streets of the very center, wondering where all the action is. Now you know.

Stockholm

Cliches abound about Swedish women, although the fact that many of them are blonde and tall and quite beautiful seems to be relatively accurate. You’re going to spend a lot of cash here, so come prepared.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: You need to keep just one single thing in mind. Don’t let her catch you staring at the Swedish girls walking, drinking, or dancing nearby. Seriously, this is way harder than it seems, and although the same kind of thing can happen in Spain or Italy or other countries, there’s something about Sweden (and especially Stockholm) that puts a guy into a guy of overload as soon as he arrives. If a nice vacation with your girlfriend is what you’re after, just stay alert is all I’m saying.

If You Don’t: Well, the previous portion kinda answered this question, did it not? Get your 400 euros or however much you plan on spending at the various Stockholm clubs or bars, head out to one that suits your taste (again, do your research here), and take advantage of the wonderful Swedish education system that means everyone there is already going to be speaking a ridiculously good level of English. Use their blinding attractiveness to your advantage—just pretend they’re all so beautiful and inaccessible that you might as well go for broke and just do whatever comes into your mind (within reason, of course), and it’ll work to your advantage.

Berlin

This is a different kind of vibe. Berlin isn’t a city that automatically springs to mind when you think of some great European sexy-party destination, but I want to explain why it is.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: Make sure she’s one who’s seen and enjoyed Cabaret a few times, and then head out on a tour of Weimar-era Berlin in all its decadent, degraded, hedonistic glory. By the time you’re done staring at transexual dancers and decadent erotic paintings by George Grosz, and have thrown back a few fine German beers, both of you are going to be running back to your hotel to get up to all kinds of strange things.

If You Don’t: Here’s where you’ve gotta get specific—Berlin has a bar or club or entire scene devoted to just about every aesthetic, sexual, or lifestyle choice you could possibly imagine for yourself, so take a look at some listings and try to envision the kind of girl you find the most irresistible. Is it an arch indie-hipster type at a dance/punk club, a sort-of-gothic girl who has about 50 unbelievably amazing tattoos, or a stay-up-all-night Berlin party girl who hasn’t stopped dancing since that giant rave in the 90s? All these types and more are out there, so treat Berlin like the ultimate chance to diversify or specify.

Madrid

Ah, Spain. Long black hair and beautiful accents speaking a beautiful language and eyes that will destroy you as soon as you step off the plane. Don’t be afraid.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: Like before—food, good drinks, walks around the town, followed by you-know-what back at the hotel. This site is just invaluable for this kind of thing. Sometimes the expectation of southern-European romance can work against you, and what should be a romantic and really nice time in a mediterranean city can get wrecked up by the common pitfalls of tourism (transportation headaches, confusion with the city, etc.). Keep a relaxed attitude and don’t try and pack too many common tourist-sites into one day. All the best times (day and night) on a trip come from the unexpected discoveries you make on the trip, not from gawking at the same thing 40 million other people have photographed that year. Remember it and you’ll be far better off in every sense.

If You Don’t: Generally, follow the same rules that you might in Rome—find where the students go and head there. If you find a Botellón in progress, try and join it. What’s a Botellón, you might ask? This is where tons of young Spaniards get together and drink outdoors with beer, wine, and alcohol bought at a supermarket or nearby store instead of going to a bar. It’s slowly being outlawed throughout Spain, so take advantage of a dying tradition, have a few drinks with some beautiful Spaniards, and use that liquid courage to start conversations with them. Spain is generally full of warm and friendly people (yeah, another stereotype, but if you’re out for a few drinks with students it’s generally true) and you shouldn’t have too much trouble.

That’s it, five western-european cities, five of the best places in the world to find some love, whether for a night or something much longer. Did we miss one? Of course we missed one. We missed about 100. Let us know which ones in the comments!

Alright, we’re back with our second part of how to take things to a physical level when you’re out on a date or just stuck, in general, in a situation that you know could be way better but so far isn’t. If you missed our first part, check it out here.

Remember the crucial things:

People are smart enough to see through most tricks, so that’s not what these are. Tricks don’t work. These are useful methods to integrate into your already-interesting personality, not pre-fab sets of behaviour you can just expect to work like magic. And so, with that out of the way, on with the show:

The Announcement

This one is tricky but works extremely well, because it can be really disarming. If you think the moment is right to, say, try and kiss her (if you’ve been doing some of the other things already, or it just seems like a charged moment and you’re face to face), but you don’t want to lean in without at least something, this is useful.

It not only cuts the pre-kiss tension (which gets built up afterwards in a different way during the kiss), but it leaves you an ‘out’ that a straight-up kiss-attempt won’t grant you.

What you need to do is announce what you’re going to do just before you do it, something relaxed and slightly ironic, like “I think I’m gonna kiss you right now” or some other silliness. And then leave about one second as you move in, which is—if you’re fast—enough time to read how she’s reacting, and also gives her a bit of time to reject it, if that’s the case.

If she says something tough like “oh, not yet” or “not… right now”, don’t fall apart. Be smart about it. Don’t say anything like “fine” or “I see” or “why?” These are all terrible. Just make another joke in the most relaxed way you can, something like “Ah.. good I announced it first, then” and move on immediately. Whatever you do, don’t dwell on what just happened if it didn’t work out. Immediately say something like “so listen” in a positive tone and start in on something else. ASAP. You’ll be fine.

Of course if you don’t get rejected, this method is a hell of a lot more charming than just a blind attempt with your head and mouth.

Using Circumstances

If you find yourself crammed into a little taxi or sharing an armrest at a movie theatre, squeezing together on a subway car or kept in close proximity by how busy the sidewalk is, use this to your advantage. But do it smartly. Don’t act like a little kid winning a prize, treating this unforseen gift of physical closeness as a kind of free pass that allows you to skip a step in moving things forward.

These situations are always really tricky: you don’t want to call too much attention to how close the two of you are for fear of seeming creepy, and you don’t want to ignore it outright, since that’s boring.

Try and walk the fine line in-between the two. If you’re the type that can make a tension-defusing joke here (ie if you can say “hmm, this is wonderfully awkward” without sounding dumb), do it. If not, good luck—this is often the hardest part.

And Sometimes You Don’t

Sometimes the best way to get physical next time is by realizing when it isn’t your time at the moment. Or maybe ever. Don’t worry. You’re a chivalrous dude, not a grunting pig.

Use your intelligence, and if it’s not in the cards, if your other attempts have been met by gentle refuffs, drop it immediately and seriously devote your attention to something else for the evening. If you can’t do that, if your expectations of physical romance can make you completely unfocused once they don’t work out, you’ve got some prioritizing to do.

But if you can move on and still have a great time, things will work out for you. And if they don’t, ultimately? So what. You were mature about it regardless. Don’t pout and you’ll be a better guy for it.

To Conclude

Of course this goes without saying, but every piece of dating/sex advice sorta requires this as a disclaimer, and although it’s a sad situation to always have to put this in, it’s necessary: if she has been rebuffing you in a not-so-gentle way and you’re still trying, stop at once. Go home and re-evaluate what the hell it is you think you’re doing as a man before going on another date and subjecting the opposite sex to your BS.

But that’s not you, right? No, and thank God. Go out there, and actually enjoy the uncertainty, that thrill at the beginning when it’s all on the line, when you’ve gotta take things to the next level and the challenge is to figure out which way (and there are many, as we’ve seen) you’re gonna do it. Be a smart man in every way you can.

Check out the first part of this article here.

Alright, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Despite our previous article indicating the five things you should not do on this Day—whatever your feelings towards the ‘holiday’ itself—there are still plenty of you that are likely going to do something romantic that day. Hell, I count myself in among that number, even though I like railing against the entirely unnecessary existence of a ‘romance holiday’ in the first place.

How, exactly, to get physical?

But since this day does exist, and since relentless coverage forces everyone, however fleetingly, to acknowledge the concept of sex, love, and romance even for a passing second, why not take advantage of the opportunity and go over some crucial tips on how to take things to a physical level when out on a date. This probably won’t be a Valentine’s Day date, as those are usually for couples. But hey, you never know.

No, this isn’t a complicated seduction website.

This isn’t going to be some elaborate seduction seminar or complicated series of difficult-to-remember conversation moves. For those of you religiously following the ’seduction’ community, more power to you. But this article is for the guys who either a) find the idea of using a full-on behavioural/seduction manual counterproductive to being themselves, or b) guys who already have a bit of game but sometimes have trouble taking it to the next level.

It’s normal; part of the unbelievable fun of seduction and sex is the uncertainty of it all, the notion that for every big chance you might get to spend the night with someone you’ve been after, there’s an equally great chance you could screw it all up. Even—no, especially—with the best of intentions.

With that in mind, here are a few ways to go about taking things to a physical level without a) being an asshole, b) being a passive, unattractive pushover, or c) screwing it all up in the end.

First: one thing to keep in mind before we begin.

Before the list, though, I ask you to keep one thing in mind first, one thing over and above any individual pieces of advice or methods, and that is:

People are smart enough to see through most tricks, so that’s not what these are. Tricks don’t work. A girl is going to know if you’re acting against your nature. She’s going to know if you’re faking a macho personality just to try and impress her, and she’s going to know if you’re hiding a misogynistic side as you attempt to seem ‘down’ with feminism. Don’t act silly.

Now wait, you say—is a girl always going to pick up on this? Well, no. There are plenty of girls who won’t, plenty of girls who really do want that silly macho personality with absolutely nothing behind it. But put it this way: you shouldn’t be going after them, they who are woefully attracted to straight-up, brutally simplistic machismo with no charm attached. You’re an intelligent guy, right? There are millions of intelligent girls, too. They deserve your attention.

Plus: over-the-top macho dudes don’t bother reading articles like this, because they’re putting in hours at the gym, waxing their scrotums, or chauvinistically picking up a certain type of woman who can’t see even a tiny bit through the silly exterior. Leave them to it, and everyone’s happy.

So that means don’t try for women who pose for various racing calendars in skimpy bikinis. By all means, stare at them, enjoy them, all the rest—but don’t chase after them. There’s a whole squad of guys out there already doing it, and they’re spending so many sad, depressing hours on their own appearances that it’s better to just leave well enough alone.

And now, to the advice.

Ok, with that out of the way: you’re out or at home with a girl, things are going well, and you’re in that limbo zone between flirting and making a physical move. How do you do it?

Number 1: Keep it Light

This is one of the most effective methods of seduction in general. If you joke around—play little games, try and make jokes about how, say, she’s gonna be obligated to kiss you on the cheek if you finish that piece of cake first, just little, silly things like that. But keep it light.

Don’t make it obvious that you’re trying to escalate things through a desperate series of little games unless the games are actually fun, or flow somewhat organically out of the conversation you’re having.

In other words: if you suddenly propose a silly game in the middle of a depressing movie you’re both watching (probably not the best choice for a date in the first place), you’re not doing it right. It’s got to flow naturally.

That’s the thing: if any of these moves become obvious, change your course. Obvious is different than noticeable, of course. You want your moves to be noticed—hell, you’re trying to get physical here, damnit—but you don’t want obvious, because obvious is just one small step above desperate, my friend, and that we do not want.

Number 2: The Compliment-Touch

Touch her arm, hand, elbow, shoulder, very lightly, as you compliment on her on something. There are specific rules that go with this one:

• You have to be able to read very well here. There are times when it works, times when it should not be tried. Use your intuition.
• Do it with your fingertip first in an almost-unnoticable way. If it works, you’ve broken the tension and set a kind of electric charge between you.
• This sets up a pattern. Once she does it back, take that as a signal to try it again. If she has absolutely zero response or a negative response, move on.

This is one of the most direct physical moves there is, as it involves touching without many previous circumstances already in place. Read those rules over again.

They aren’t things you have to keep in your head at all times (none of this advice works if you’re constantly trying to remember it all while dating, and acting like a weird seduction-robot), but they are things that stem naturally from acting like this, things that contribute to an overall impression of charm and smoothness you’re trying to cultivate.

More to Come

Click here for part 2 of this article, the other big chunk of remaining advice (we can’t drop too much on you at once) and remember: the one rule to keep in your head above all else is naturalness. No one single piece of advice, no single move or word or gesture will ever compensate for the confidence you project when you’re acting natural, when the things you’re doing on a date look like things you’ve done before, not things you read about once on a website.

That should be at the very front of your mind—until it disappears because it’s second nature (ah, there’s that natural word again).

It’s cold outside right now. Maybe you’re lucky and you live in a place where it’s not so cold that you need something to cover your ears every single day. You, my friend, are a lucky person.

When it comes to the weather, it’s often hard to reconcile the demands of men’s fashion with the punishments of mother nature, which is where the fine men’s hat comes in. Sure, you could keep going with just a baseball cap and that hood attached to your jacket, or maybe hold your hands up against your ears while you walk, but is that really stylish?

Nah. Head out on the street, especially in any European town—ah, I’ll admit, they got it easier over here, where in many places it doesn’t get so insanely cold—and you’ll see plenty of men sporting some very fine headwear that means they look good and solid no matter where they’re going to. You can do the same. Even if it’s damn cold.

Take a look at these five different hats: three are for winter weather that isn’t bone-chilling, but still cold enough that you need something on your head, and the other two are true winter hats. You remember that Seinfeld episode where George was walking around with that giant Russian-style hat and not wearing a coat because the thing kept him so warm? While it’s not true you lose 80%, or 50%, or any specific percent of body heat through your head, it is true that wearing a hat—even one that doesn’t cover your ears—will keep you plenty warmer during the cold months. Try these ones out.

Borsalino Rex

Here, a classic from the famous Italian manufacturer, still doing much of its work by hand and still charging well over $50 for anything it sells. Still, it’s worth it, as you’ll be getting a hat of true quality from manufacturers that practically drip classic men’s style, if they weren’t so well-put-together that the idea of them dripping anything is anathema.

The manufacturing on these hats is absolutely top-notch, so even if you’re an amateur to men’s headwear and can’t tell the difference between this and a cheap fedora you might see in any old department store, after a while you’ll get it, and you’ll realize just exactly what you’ve got on your head. From Borsalino.

Borsalino Ivy Cap

Another timeless one from the Italians, this is the wool ivy cap you can’t really go wrong with.

While lacking the formal elegance of a fedora, the quality of the brand and the restrained colours and lines make this one of the best straight ivy wool caps you’re likely to ever see.

If you’re going to go with a style that’s slightly more relaxed, like this one, stick with top quality so you come out looking your best. You can pick this one up from various online shops, or head to any top-of-the-line hatwear store.

Still Life Carver

New York hatmakers Still Life are doing some fine work, and the Carver is no exception.

Its stitching, made up of tiny little squares, and topped off by the unorthodox detail of a tied string on the top, doesn’t take anything away from the hat’s confident shape. This is a hat for any day when the wind tries to get the better of you.

Again, don’t be fooled by its unconvention design. This isn’t some little bow-wrapped bonnet you pop on your head when you plan to go out skipping to Grandma-ma’s house.

It’s a serious hat for cold weather, with an unusual and kinda bold design touch. It’s made from black/grey wool with a 100% silk lining, available from Still Life.

Still Life Webber

Another one from Still Life, the Webber is one of two real winter hats we’re profiling here: a genuine leather exterior with an extremely warm rabbit fur lining.

This is one of the few hats with covers for your ears that succeeds with what is undoubtedly a difficult style choice.

Too many of these hats risk looking like little boy’s caps, or something out of the 1950s and better left behind in that decade, but not this one. This too is available from Still Life.

Navy Wool Watch Hat

Our only conventional tuque (or watch cap, or knit cap, or beanie, or however you’d like to refer to it outside of Canada), this one is a genuine US Navy Wool tuque. If you’re going to wear a tuque, make it simple, durable, and classic, three things this hat has in spades.

It’s also, by far, the least expensive choice here, literally under $10 US dollars. While it takes a little more fashion co-ordination to make a tuque work with every outfit, this (and a good grey one, too) are indispensible for those days when something that doesn’t cover the ears just isn’t do-able.

This one is available from amazon.

You’ve suffered through The Reader and slept through Doubt. You’ve been underwhelmed by Slumdog Millionaire and seen The Dark Knight so many times its greatness is starting to fade (but only from overuse). What then, men, is coming to theatres in the next few months for you to see?

Never fear, as ryoni.com has rounded up the five essential films you need to see as 2009 gets underway.

Watchmen (March 6th)

If you haven’t heard of this and aren’t already salivating/building a shrine/re-reading the comic for the 19th time, may I simply ask where the hell you’ve been? Alan Moore’s undisputed masterpiece is finally making it to the screen, with art input/direction by original artist Dave Gibbons.

Why it Will Be Good: The best graphic novel ever written gets 160 million dollars and an insanely committed team bringing it to the big screen. If the trailer is any indication, this is going to be a phenomenal film. The comic is extremely complex and layered, and if everyone stays on top of their game, this could be one of the most intelligent, creative comic-book adaptations ever filmed.

What’s in it For the Guys: Well, besides watching Dr. Manhattan blow up huge swaths of forest and create giant crystal cities on mars, you’ve also got Carla Gugino and her understated, mature sexiness playing Sally Jupiter, and the ridiculously beautiful Malin Akerman playing her daughter, who spends a good chunk of the comic (and hopefully the movie) wearing extremely short skirts designed to drive us insane.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1st)

The very best parts of the previous X-Men movies—the Wolverine story—are extended into a feature film. Set in my native Canada, this is sure to feature a bevvy of fantastic set pieces and one of the better comic-origin stories out there. Plus we get to see how Sabertooth comes about, too.

Why it Will Be Good: Although Brian Singer isn’t doing this one, we’ve still got high hopes. Of course Hugh Jackman is coming back, and the studio has picked a capable-if-unproven director in Gavin Hood. Without the entire X-Men franchise to deal with, this could be a great origin story, which is always where some of the best parts of all comic-book movies come from anyway.

What’s in it For the Guys: Well, besides all the snow-covered action (you just know there are going to be 20 shots of blood landing on fresh white snow—they can’t resist, these guys), Wolverine’s girlfriend is played by Lyn Collins, who has been smoking hot in this season’s amazing new HBO series True Blood. If she’s anywhere near as good in this film as she’s been on the small screen, guys will have no trouble finding plenty of things to enjoy here.

Terminator Salvation (June 5th)

Try not to be distracted by the recent rant by Christian Bale that made the interent go a little crazy recently—this is shaping up to be a great addition to the Terminator Canon, if we can call it that. Apparently taking a much more character-oriented direction than Terminator 3, that’s what brought Christian Bale on board, standards raised after the feast of excellence that was The Dark Knight.

Why it Will Be Good: Because it’s a kind of prequel to all the previous Terminator films. You remember how John Connor kept coming back—through time travel—and talking about that big old SkyNet war in the future? And we had futile little glimpses of it, but then everything else was set in the present day? No more of that—time travel, I mean—now we get a movie set in 2018 that is specifically about those very SkyNet wars, the things that seemed so damn cool in the first place.

What’s in it For the Guys: Bryce Dallas Howard is hot, although not everyone’s cup of tea. That’s why (we think) this film also features Moon Bloodgood, who besides having the coolest and most insane name for a movie star, well, ever, is damn good looking. She’s got Korean, Irish, and Dutch heritage, which has got to explain something. Keep an eye out.

Observe and Report (April 10th)

The second mall-cop movie coming out in a six-month span, here’s betting that this one is going to be the funnier of the two, by a big margin. Seth Rogen plays the mall security guard who has to deal with a flasher on the loose, and the movie is rated R for pervasive language, graphic nudity, drug use, sexual content and violence. Excellent.

Why it Will Be Good: Seriously, anything is better than Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and this movie’s story of a security guard with aspirations to be a real police officer should give Ray Liotta, who plays an actual detective, plenty of opportunities to re-inhabit his amazing role from the underrated NARC, swearing and all.

What’s in it For the Guys: Ana Faris is always a reliable addition that ups the hotness-quotient of any film, and even though we’re pretty sure the “graphic nudity” is likely going to be almost all male-based, you never know. There are a few other hotties in the cast, so here’s to hoping.

Bruno

Sasha Baron-Cohen’s follow-up to the unbelievably hilarious Borat, Bruno is his parody of all things fashion, an unbelievably over-the-top (for the rest of the world) fashionista who specializes in putting stereotypical industry-types into embarassing, hypocritical situations.

Why it Will Be Good: If Baron-Cohen has amassed enough material in-character that still seems realistic, there’s no way this won’t be hilarious. Although things certainly got more difficult for him after the worldwide success of Borat, word is that he started filming Bruno very soon after, so hopefully a whole bunch of otherwise in-the-known industry types had the wool pulled over their eyes.

What’s in it For the Guys: Admit it, there’s nothing like seeing a bunch of macho dudes put into hilariously embarassing situations by a flamboyantly gay Austrian who is faster and quicker with his jokes than practically anyone else in the world. Bruno was already legendary on the Ali G Show, and you just know he’s saving up some dynamite stuff for the film.

Times are tough all over, we know. So what the hell is a young man to do? Spend the day checking out photos on the site here, or maybe perusing some fine videos? By all means, but hey—what about your day job? Are you relaxed, calm, and secure in the fact that you aren’t at risk of a layoff? Hey, America just lost over half a million jobs in one month.

You’re good? Alright, then, lucky you can move on to ogling the rest of all this site has to offer. But if you’re still here, still hanging around, feeling a slight twinge as you wonder just how close you could get touched by this economic mess, we’ve got something for you.

See, there are a few things you can do, on your own, to increase that elusive thing known as job security. They aren’t even that difficult, so read on and see how to make this possible.

Pre-Emptively Make Your Case

Without being too obvious about this one, try and get some face time with anyone who might be in control of whether or not you stay in your job. Figure out a way to highlight exactly why you’re doing good work for the company without looking like you’re begging. Ask for a job review.

You can acknowledge that you’re doing this because of the atmosphere of uncertainty—any smart manager will have figured that out already, anyway—but don’t be nervous about it. Act as though circumstances have just obliged you and your bosses to take a look at everything you contribute, slightly earlier than usual. And, of course, be ready for this. Don’t blindly exaggerate what you do and what you’re worth, but make your case better than you ever have in the past.

Prepare Yourself Financially

You never know exactly what’s going to happen, and despite your best efforts you could still find yourself on the wrong side of a pink slip. So take the time to figure out a few scenarios that account for different types of situations you might be in if you’re laid off. Ranging from great, so/so, to really bad severance packages.

And, of course, don’t go insane with your spending if job cuts are in the air. If there was ever a time to be smart with your money, this is it. Don’t stuff everything under a mattress, but make sure you won’t be running up your VISA card the moment you’re out on the street, if it does happen. Plan.

Keep a Mini Job Search Going on the Side

While this is something a lot of people suggest all the time, it’s especially useful now. Don’t get discouraged by the amount of people out there looking for jobs too—it’s always tough, and no matter how good the market is, people are still going to tell you it’s hard to find a job.

There are always going to be people who put the work into their CV and keep up with their professional networking, and there are always going to be people who don’t. It doesn’t matter what the financial climate is. Right now, it just means that the normally-lazy are panicking and trying everything. They’re also the kind of types who will take the first offer to come along out of a fear that nothing else will.

If you’re smart, you won’t even have to compete against these people, whatever the market is like. Make sure you’ve always got a fresh CV at the ready and don’t pass on any opportunities.

Move Up

If you were ever unsure about trying to get a promotion, applying for an internal position above your capabilities, or just generally showing some ambition and seeing where it takes you, now is not the time for indecision. Apply for the promotion. Do in the in-house training. Take on more responsibilities. Companies don’t stop growing and promoting their people just because there’s a crisis going on around them, so you shouldn’t stop trying.

Play it Cool

Whatever you do, don’t panic. Sometimes things truly are out of your control, and the only thing you can do is make sure you don’t fall apart as a result. Don’t get paranoid, and if you do start getting nervous about your finances and your life, don’t bring it into work with you.

The people who ask the most paranoid, nervous, and incessant questions about their job security are doing two things wrong: first, they probably aren’t working, or at least not very well, because they’re spending most of their workdays sweating over whether the future will see them in a job. This is a self-fufilling prophecy: the future probably won’t find them in that job, because they aren’t doing it very well in the first place.

Don’t be one of those people. Sure, push for your review, highlight every one of your strengths, strive for that promotion, and keep up your profile on the outside, just in case. But don’t do it with any profound sense of panic or impending doom, or whatever you predict is just going to come and swallow you whole. You’ve got a job, a salary, and a brain in your head—don’t give them up to the winds of speculation.

That’s it—our five pieces of advice we hope keep you in a job, and in the black, for a long time to come. Got any other useful tips about how you can stay relevant and keep your job? Comment!

Friday, February 20th, 2009 is the day you should be in Rio di Janeiro, for it’s the day that one of the world’s biggest street parties and all-around insane celebrations begins. If you’ve ever wondered just what Carnival is, exactly, or why you need to be there, read on. We’ve got the 5 top reasons why it’s completely un-missable, especially for guys.

Some quick background: Carnival has pagan roots but is now largely a holiday celebrated in traditionally catholic countries, which sounds nauseatingly boring when you first hear about it, but is actually good, in that it was the time when, just before settling in for the long, celibate slog known as lent, every part of society went completely crazy and could do whatever they hell they wanted for a few days.

That’s right: mock the church, mock the elders, mock the idea that life is in any way serious. That was the point of carnival, and now, since we no longer have a huge number of countries defined solely by the church’s presence, the holidays are pretty much just giant parties.

So what are the top five reasons to be in Rio di Janeiro this year? Why is carnival one of those insane, unmissable holidays you need to experience once in your life? Here, let us explain.

5. The Drinking

If you’re from North America and haven’t left the continent specifically for a big European party, you’ve probably never realized just exactly how these things work. Sure, there are big tailgate parties and various sports events where everyone drinks and goes crazy, but there’s nothing like a sustained 4-day party that takes over an entire city from top to bottom.

It just doesn’t exist in that same way, which is why countless people get hooked on South American or Southern European culture the first time they get a taste of its communal life. Carnival in Rio isn’t really run by anyone in particular; sure, there are some agencies and organizations that take care of various things, but it’s stubborn and holds onto its improvisatory, communal roots, which means that if you show up at random, grab a drink, and start partying, no one is going to charge you admission, check your bracelet, bother you about ID even though you’re 25, or tell you to go home after 2AM.

And since drinking restrictions aren’t so insane in the rest of the world as they are in the US (do you really have to be 21 there?), there isn’t the same kind of binge-drinking culture, where certain venues and pre-approved times (Saturday night, etc) exist in which one can go all-out, but otherwise alcohol consumption is rather limited. No, places like Brazil are a little more relaxed when it comes to these things.

What this means for the average Western drinker is this: you will find the access to alcohol and the joy and relaxation inherent in its consumption to be completely different than what you’re used to. Don’t overdo it and treat it like one big bar that closes soon, just enjoy your booze and let it help you party like the rest of the city. That’s what it’s there for.

4. Unmistakeable Carnival Atmosphere

There’s something weird about Carnival, something about the Pagan roots that seem to bubble up no matter how far removed the current festival is from them. It’s a spirit of do-anything, a kind of temporary permission, granted by no one, to do whatever the hell you want.

This doesn’t mean you can go off robbing banks and blowing up bridges, just that when you see the mayor of a major city, or various other important officials, all acting with an equal sense of abandon, it gives you massive amount of license to do the same thing yourself. That’s the fundamental essence of Carnival, and you’ll find it strongest in Rio.

3. The Nudity

Ah, you knew we were getting to this, right? See, since the whole festival is organized by no one in particular, there isn’t much wrong with flashing a little skin. The general rules go: topless women on the floats = OK. Occasionally, something more = frowned upon, but what can you do? This gets controversial, but it happens, and if you’re there and watching the parades, you’ll probably get to see some very fantastic women in various stages of undress, moving at an incredible speed, which brings us to…

2. The Samba

Maybe not the big parade samba all the time, which is so insanely flashy and over-the-top that it starts to lose some of its original sexiness, but damnit there is no better place to find beautiful women dancing samba than Rio during Carnival. There are so many people there for that weekend, you can just wander over to a random corner and be completely blown away by the unbridled sexiness of several beautiful Brazilian ladies dancing into the night with sheer abandon. Speaking of beautiful women…

1. Brazilian Women in General

This is the number one reason to go to Brazil at anytime, and thus the number one reason to go during Carnival. I mean seriously, have you seen who this country produces? No? Not to worry, Ryoni.com will provided you with all the exhausting research required. Check out this video of Adriana Lima. Or our feature on Alessandra Ambrosio. Hell, here’s more Adriana Lima for you. Not to mention Gisele. Or Ana Beatriz. Or Izabel Goulart. Damn damn damn, I’m booking a plane ticket this second.

Wikipedia is both a wonderful social experiment and a great resource for humanity, or so the PR copy goes. It’s also a repository of weird, insane, and often stunningly absurd pieces of information that you only stumble upon once in a while, suddenly glancing at a stray link in an otherwise standard article and realizing “what the hell, this is on wikipedia?” before eagerly devouring the whole thing.

I had about 15 of these revelations just the other day, all centered around the subject of toilets and what we do in them.

What in God’s name, you rightfully ask, was I doing researching toilets? I don’t know. I don’t remember, I don’t know how I got over to toilets. It was one of those Wikipedia binges where a harmless article on Drug Laws led me into areas I simply wasn’t prepared for. Let me show you.

The Whizzinator

Ok, before we get into the toilets, here’s this. I got into the whole toilet mess through this link. God knows what my brain was doing. But anyway: this genius piece of manufacturing is a fake penis kit. It features the following fantastic items:

• dried urine (coincidentally, the first time I’d ever heard of this product’s existence)
• a syringe (it’s harmless, but anything involving a penis and a syringe automatically makes me cringe like hell)
• heater packs (these keep the urine at body temperature. Obviously.)
• an instruction manual (thank the lord)

Most famously used by Tom Sizemore in his failed attempt to cheat on a drug test, the Whizzinator is really only worth of our attention thanks to the following line in the Wikipedia entry: “The United States Congress held hearings on the Whizzinator on May 17, 2005.” The idea of a bunch of congressmen trying to come to grips with a product called the Whizzinator is funny enough, and the debate (couched in the failed terms of the ‘War on Drugs’) was surely the stuff of legend.

Toilets in Japan

We all know about these. The Simpsons even made fun of these things a decade ago. And yet… I still never understood just how fully weird toilets in Japan were until checking out this article. Here, for you, the choicest facts:

The TOTO product Washlet Zoe is listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s most sophisticated toilet with seven functions. Why in God’s name there are any world records for Toilet Sophistication is beyond the scope of my comprehension.

While the toilet looks like a Western-style toilet at first glance, there are a number of additional features, such as blow dryer, seat heating, massage options, water jet adjustments, automatic lid opening, flushing after use, wireless control panels, heating and air conditioning for the room, et cetera, included either as part of the toilet or in the seat. I thought that list would never end. You know, I’m actually kinda starting to want one of these…

A second commonly found feature is a blow drier, often adjustable between 40°C and 60°C to dry the private regions after cleaning with the integrated bidet. Why the hell don’t I have a toilet like this? I’m actually getting envious of a toilet that will dry my ass for me. Envious.

The latest models store the times when the toilet is used and have a power saving mode that warms the toilet seat only during times when the toilet is likely to be used based on historic usage patterns. Screw the envy, this is reaching absurd levels of technological implementation. I’m full of mixed emotions now. Could these toilets be any more helpful/absurd?

Some even play music to relax the user’s sphincter. Don’t… just… don’t. I didn’t… god… it was a rhetorical question. God.

Passenger Train Toilets

What in god’s name could be strange about these, you ask? No, you’re right, I’m sure there’s nothing strange to be found here! Move along, next article! But wait…

The ‘hole in the floor’ (also known as a Drop Chute Toilet) system where waste is deposited on the track is still in use in many parts of the world. Wait a minute.. that’s why the conductor was so pissed off at me when he found me in the bathroom, flushing away while the train was stopped. Here in Italy the trains definitely fall under the “many parts of the world” banner, and the tracks are plenty dirty as a result. Lovely.

Bristol Stool Scale

The city of Bristol isn’t known for much, but thankfully that’s all about to change once this Wikipedia article gets wider recognition. What is it? Oh, just a casual, fun way to classify the various forms of human feces. Go Bristol!

This is humourous on many levels, both for the comedic value of seeing a series of illustrated craps, but also for the text that goes along with it, which is uniformly great. Craps are described as “like nuts“, “like a sausage“, somewhat “fluffy“, like “a snake“, or “ENTIRELY LIQUID” [emphasis theirs]. Watch out for that last one. Putting them all together like this makes our digestive system sound like a bunch of Metal Gear Solid characters.

Islamic Toilet Etiquette

More cultural differences to enjoy! According to the article, many of these rules are out of date and largely geared towards bathroom habits going back hundreds of years, when many toilets were “confined areas in the desert,” as opposed to today’s modern toilets.

However I’m more interested in the level of detail, which far outdoes any other toilet-related advice I’ve ever seen. Seriously, where else are you going to find passages like this: “After wiping, he should wash his hand first and then he should cleanse himself with two fingers and three fingers if necessary together with ‘pouring’ water. When using the two fingers, one should keep the middle finger in front and the ring and index finger behind it. After beginning with the fingers in this position, he should bring the ring finger forward and rub with the middle finger and ring finger. Thereafter, he will wipe with the index finger, if necessary.”

Religious custom be damned: I’ve never once thought about what the hell my hand and fingers are doing back there, but now, thanks to the information that Wikipedia insists I read, I’m no longer going to be able to avoid it. Damn you, greatest encyclopedia the world has ever known. Damn you.

Last year, the pirates won.

Forget the Super Bowl, which anyway happened in 2009, I’m talking about something else: movies. For years, an endless stream of online pirates have been engaged in a fierce battle with the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), fighting over the right to control movie distribution.

But it looks like 2008 was the year the MPAA, at least by a certain measurement, finally lost. According to Waxy.org, who did a study of how many Oscar-nominated films were available online on the day the nominations were announced, 2008 is absolutely off the hook:

Out of 26 nominated films, an incredible 23 films are already available in DVD quality on nomination day, ripped either from the screeners or the retail DVDs. This is the highest percentage since I started tracking.

Twenty-three! I’d call that a serious problem. So would the New York Times, who just did an article on precisely this subject, along with the explosion of streaming piracy.

On one side, the pirates: anonymous, resourceful, and entirely illegal. This group of content-stealers have absolutely no legal jurisdiction or right over even a second of the films they distribute, but that’s the point. Piracy is, by nature, designed to subvert and circumvent every distribution method that might bring legitimate profits to anyone who’s had a hand in producing a film.

On the other side: Hollywood. Although their marketers are evil, evil geniuses who can read the whims of a mass audience like the rest of us read a children’s book, they’ve proved surprisingly slow at adapting to any sort of digital-distribution model, and have let internet pirates and all who benefit from them step into the void, downloading and viewing a ton of content for free.

Why has Hollywood been unable to figure out how to monetize their content, especially now, with years of heavy broadband penetration already behind us? The answer isn’t so difficult: profit margins and budgets are set-up with specific channels in mind: we sell this many DVDs, we make this much money.

When a whole bevy of new techologies comes cascading into a pre-existing industry, every start-up video site and online movie channel looking for percentages, it’s hard for a set of big, slow-moving studios to adapt. These are conglomerate-owned business, after all, and it’s not easy to hitch an entire division to an unproven new concept.

None of this changes the fact that the studios still haven’t figured out what to do about their piracy problem, which leads many to believe there might never be a solution, at least not one that ensures the kind of profits once experienced.

Now that so many people have had a chance to download movies and watch television shows without commercials online, entirely for free, there might be no going back to paying $20 for a brand new DVD or a high-quality stream online. Piracy is going to change the entire industry.

One of the key things about piracy is the metaphor: every time studio heads talk about how much cash they’ve lost due to piracy (ie how much cash they didn’t make), they frame it in terms of, well, piracy: guys in big boats with weapons coming and stealing gold. They talk about money lost, and compare anyone who downloads a movie without paying for it to someone who walks into a store and steals a shirt.

Not exactly.

There are two problems here, and until Hollywood figures out the mental gap between their metaphors and the average American downloader, they’re screwed. One is that piracy is the illegal viewing of a copy of something, not stealing the direct material itself. If I went into a store, copied the exact design for a shirt, and then went home and made it myself and wore it to my heart’s content, we might be getting somewhere closer to a workable metaphor for movie piracy.

There aren’t millions of people going into stores and stealing DVDs with packaging and booklets and all the rest, avoiding the eyes of store clerks and alarm systems as they run desperately through parking lots, so to act like everyone downloading from the Pirate Bay is doing exactly that is counter-productive.

If it were really the case that every pirate were stealing a produced, commercial object, would piracy be so rampant? There’s a great amount of mental distance between direct shoplifting and downloading an XVID.

Secondly, piracy doesn’t cause the studios to lose money they previously had, it simply cuts into predicted profits on their content. In other words, it leaves them unable to monetize their product as much as they’d like, which they equate to massive loss through stealing. Again, a new set of metaphors is needed.

Some kind of solution is surely on the horizon: Netflix is now streaming some titles directly, and Apple’s iTunes sells a ton of content, too. So there’s not much to worry about there. What is crazy, however, is the saturation point that piracy finally reached this year, and the desperation it’s surely inspiring in the hearts of movie executives already panicking about the recession. Will they stave off piracy and figure out a way to claim huge swaths of the internet as their own, ready to be profitable? We’ll find out in 2009!

The endless media coverage surrounding the otherwise useless day of February the 14th is designed solely for news shows to fill air-time with pointless questionnaires, asking every passing dope what romantic piece of crap he’s planning on getting his sadly undeserving girlfriend. Cue the anchor making a few jokes about chocolates and candle-lit dinners and bewildered, bumbling guys screwing up, and there you have it: Valentine’s Day.

Nah, it’s not just an invented holiday designed to sell greeting cards or fill restaurants, although it is all of those things and more; no, Valentine’s Day is something ubiquitous, annoying, and unavoidable—a kick in the ass if you’ve been slacking off in the romance department, a reminder to every sadly-single person that other people sleep in beds, together, day in and day out, and so on. But it doesn’t have to be any of these things if you’re careful, which is where we come in.

Just in case you find yourself falling into those familiar Valentine’s Day traps—feeling guilty and obligated to do things, or acting fake-romantic and confused as you over-do it—we’re here with a guide of the Top Five Worst Things you Could Possibly Do for Valentine’s Day. Some are silly, some are depressingly familiar, but all are important and avoidable, unless you want to screw stuff up. Read on, fellow men, and go towards the 14th of this month with confidence. Or wanton disregard for your own well-being. Either way.

#5:Get Blind While She Doesn’t

What This Involves: Heading out for a romantic evening with a secret plan to get wasted hidden in your back pocket. Working on a light buzz during appetizers but trying to keep things level, steady, smooth. It’s hard when the wine goes down so good with the food. When your second course comes around, you’ve failed any known sobriety test, and the waiter’s question about dessert sharing is met with a slurred “I ain’t splittin’ shit” from you.

Once you and your lovely girlfriend hit a bar “for drinks” after dinner (a course of action that took 20 minutes—and you walking off in the direction of the nearest bar—to enact) you’re having mild vision problems and big couple problems. The night ends (for you) when you spend 15 minutes sleeping in a public bathroom and your girlfriend, after much struggling, puts you in a cab alone. Bravo!

Why This is Worth Avoiding: They just don’t fit together, Valentine’s Day and drunkenness. Rather than saving this kind of behaviour for an obvious choice like St. Patrick’s Day, why not bust it out when it’s both unique and strangely fitting—the Summer Solstice, for example. That way, when someone asks you why the hell you’re celebrating so hard, you can drool out a sentence like “the pagans took my god damn sun” and everyone’ll be happier.

#4: Celebrate the ‘Holiday’ Only out of a Sense of Romantic Obligation

What This Involves: You ironically mentioning that it’s close to Valentine’s Day, an ambiguous response from your girlfriend, followed by a half-panicked attempt to do something, anything to cover your ass. You buy some chocolates at a drug store and some flowers at a cheap supermarket, two actions driven entirely by resentment and barely concealed contempt. Confused about how to present these sub-par gifts, you strive for a sense of uncaring lightness combined with an undercurrent of legitimate romance nestled somewhere in there, if you could only find it. Despite your best (worst) efforts, you come off looking insecure and insincere. Congratulations! What is left of your relationship ends days later.

Why This is Worth Avoiding: Although the embarassing inadequacy of being romantic only when called upon by greeting-card makers and cheap chocolate factories should be obvious to everyone, it’s always helpful to re-state it. If this is the only time you can be a man, well, it’s been nice knowing you, friend. Your report card on those 364 other days of the year in which you did nothing will be arriving shortly, in the form of an SMS from your girlfriend saying, simply, “f**k this i’m out“.

#3: Eat at a Hellishly-Decorated Restaurant and Will Yourself into Feeling Sexy

What This Involves: There’s a scene in the Sex and the City Movie (yeah.) where two of the characters have a Valentine’s Day dinner in what has to be the worst-decorated, most oppressive restaurant environment of all time. If we could find a picture, it’d be here, but a description will suffice: picture sickening streamers of every colour suspended from the ceiling and an already-cold interior made even worse by the ugly shininess of everything. What does this have to do with you? Well, that’s easy: you got lazy, and through your last-minute reservations ended up at a restaurant that is willing to decorate itself like the aforementioned monstrosity.

Why This is Worth Avoiding: There are plenty of good restaurants that are already romantic, and if you’ve taken the leap and decided that yes, indeed, a romantic dinner for two is going to be your Valentine’s Day celebration, the least you can do is seek out one of these places and take advantage of its natural charm. Any restaurant that puts up a bunch of red stuff all over the walls and hangs silver things from the ceiling in a vain attempt to convey sexiness is going to leave you—and more importantly, your girlfriend—feeling anything but.

#2: Acknowledge the Holiday in Any Way, Shape, or Form if You Are Single

What This Involves: Three basic activities here. If you find yourself doing any of these, please stop, take a deep breath, and move on. It’s not worth it. In order of depressing obnoxiousness:

1. Using the holiday to embark on a long meditation about your own singlehood, observing every other couple around you and immediately inscribing romantic bliss onto their relationships, and barren, desolate loneliness onto your future.
2. Taking way too much time to explain to others—especially those in relationships—why Valentine’s Day is overly commercial and a waste of time (hmmm, kinda like this article).
3. Perversely celebrating Valentine’s Day on your own by regaling yourself with chocolates or other indulgences you’d otherwise avoid.

Why These are Worth Avoiding: Because there are 400 other, better things you could be out doing as a single guy (or girl) on Valentine’s Day. Wait until you’re actually down or depressed to agonize over your relationship or lack thereof; don’t do it just because society is apparently ’shoving it in your face’ for one day a year. It’s not society’s fault. Watch an enticing video and feel better.

#1: Over-Celebrate the Damn Thing.

What This Involves: Full-on immersion in every bad cliche this propped-up ‘holiday’ has to offer. Chocolates, roses, chocolates made out of old roses, puppies, overly expensive dinners no one really enjoys, vomit-inducing greeting cards: it’s all out there, if you’re willing to embrace it.

Why This is Worth Avoiding: Have you seen some of the stuff young, creative people do these days, just for fun? It blows any tired old red-coloured, love-themed holiday celebration out of the water. So here’s what you do instead: choose 5 random days of the year. Mark them on your calendar with some sort of symbol known only to you, and setup a little reminder system so you know when they’re coming (Google Calendar is great for this). On each of those days, do something romantic yet creative (the two are the exact opposite of mutually exclusive), get your girlfriend something sexy, take her out for an amazing dinner, whatever. Any or all of these are equivalent to a large missile being launched at the empty spectacle that is Valentine’s Day, and any or all of these will make you a better man.

So: this February 14th, re-read this article and choose wisely. We’re behind you all the way.

Although a post is forthcoming about all those wacky, insane Japanese watches which force you to tell time by making a series of complicated calculations every time you look down at your wrist, our first feature on the most insane watches your money can buy is going straight for luxury.

That’s right, these here are the top selections, the limited editions, the watches made by the finest European watchmakers (with one exception). They cost more than most cars, which is why we’re profiling them today. If you win the lottery or make good on a big investment (well.. it could still happen, right?), you know where to put your money. That’s right, forget your wallet or that stuffy old bank account. You want to wear your newfound riches right on your damn wrist, and here’s how.

The JeanRichard Bressel 1665

The Details: This comes in two different editions: silver/platinum and black/gold. Both are gorgeous and feature that ever-so-coveted 45 hour power reserve found in today’s top timepieces. It’s also water-resistant to 30m, and the time mechanism is manufactured in-house in France.

The Price: This edition is new enough that a price doesn’t seem to be floating around, but you can expect nothing under 10,000 euro for this, your newly adopted child. More information at JeanRichard.com.

The Cartier Skeleton Santos

The Details: Just introduced at SIHH 2009, the annual Swiss exhibition of the world’s most elite watches, this is part of Cartier’s entry into making its own watch movements. Featuring the popular ’skeleton’ style, it’s one of the best examples of the trend, and the gorgeous metallic face and integrated roman numerals look beyond incredible.

The Price: Once again, unknown, but it won’t be cheap. Try somewhere above 15,000 euro, and keep watching Cartier’s website.

The Baume & Mercier William Baume 8796 Limited

The Details: Limited to ten (10!) pieces for the visible-workings model (others are limited to the very specific number of 178) and featuring a hell of a lot of 18k gold, this ridiculously exclusive watch with its hand-sewn alligator strap and sapphire crystal case is stricly for masters-of-the-universe only.

The Price: Around $10,000 US dollars for the non-ultra limited. You’ll need to arrange a formal dinner with the ghost of William Baume himself to find out the price of the we-only-made-ten model. Check their website for more.

The A. Lange & Sohne Richard Lange Pour le Mérite

The Details: Beautiful enamel dial, and check out those hands—blued steel. There are 50 of these in platinum and 200 in pink-gold cases. Painted by hand and extremely legible, this has to be one of the most beautiful watches we’ve ever seen. There are 915 individual parts in this watch, but the front is the model of refined European elegance.

The Price: Again, not made very public, and therefore not so cheap. But hey, if it were cheap, it wouldn’t be “Pour le Mérite”, now would it? Check out the stunning internals here.

The Void V01

The Details: We had to put something that fell outside the parameters of classic Euro-watches while still retaining some kind of cool European tradition, and here it is. The Void V01 is the only ‘middle class’ watch you’re going to find on this list, but it’s a fine example. Fashioned after the traditions of Scandinavian design, this Swedish watch—introduced only last year—is one of the top examples of a minimalist digital watch you’re ever going to see. With its stainless-steel frame and reversed LCD (ie, the display is at the bottom), it defies traditional design while hewing to some vestige of tradition, albeit obscured.

The Price: Ah, here’s the sweet spot: 129 euro. Yep. Get it today at their website.

The brazen thrills found in wonderful videos and photos of luscious women are just fine, but they aren’t everything. There are—unfortunately—times when we have to head out into that broader world out there, and with such an obligation comes that eternal question: must a man have his own code?

The long answer is that every man is unique, that one person’s moral code is never instantly, immediately, or easily applicable to another person, and that each sees and experiences the world through his own lens, and thus must find his own path, his own way of being in the realm of experience.

The short answer is hell yes. Every man needs a code.

Here are ten rules you should be following in your quest to be the best man you can be. When you’re done checking out everything else this site has to offer, brush up on these admonitions—some universal and timeless, some contemporary and strangely specific—and go out into the larger world with verve, my son.

#10: Be Chivalrous.

Don’t worry about defending, explaining, or justifying yourself here. Just remember these two things: do not condescend (chivalry to the point of ridiculousness) and do not over-think (don’t worry if you forgot to walk closest to the curb last time you were on a date. It’s ok).

#9: Pay Attention to Your Shoes.

Yep. Unless you’re doing something really specific style-wise with those skate shoes, it’s time to move on up. Take the three-pair route: street, casual, dress. If you’re good, your street shoes can be something like Converse All-Stars, which you can use in various outfits without looking like a kid. So get good.

#8: Know What Music to Play During Dinner. And After.

If you’re lost in this area, go find your local independent music shop before it shuts down forever, and ask for “dinner music that won’t make anyone sick.” Don’t go with too much lounge or 4 hours of Thievery Corporation. Jazz, especially anything pre-1965, works wonders here. Take advantage of that crazy jazz guy’s knowledge before he gets fired.

After dinner, in more intimate situations, know this: albums by Marvin Gaye and Al Green are cliched and overdone and silly and obvious for about four seconds, whereupon they suddenly become perfect.

#7: Know How to Cook Dinner.

If you’ve announced that you don’t like the act of cooking or live in a wonderful city full of incredible take-out, fine. You’ve made your decision and you’re gonna live with it. But if you’re just coasting along on 2 or 3 plates and a dessert you make “better than anyone else!”, get moving. Before you master carpentry, fishing, hunting, or any kind of expensive off-road habit, you should hear other people refer to you as “a good cook.”

#6: Know What to Bring to a Party.

A few factors come into play here: you need to predict what the party is going to be like, using your knowledge of the host and some plain old intuition. Or just ask, straight-up: “Messy blowout, casual get-together, or nice dinner party?” Bring a bottle of wine to all of these. Ascending price based on classiness of party.

#5: Understand How to Drink.

After a certain point it becomes slightly ridiculous when you’re getting equally drunk at every event featuring copious amounts of alcohol. Pay a little attention. And hey—this is harder than you probably think. It’ll take a while. Don’t worry, we’ll be there for you.

#4: Comprehend the Difference Between a Text and a Phonecall.

Today’s wonderful technology means we’re texting each other at an ever-increasing rate. So—the medium has changed, but that doesn’t mean you get a free pass. Texts are for confirmation, little appointments, lots of other things; they aren’t for following up with a woman after a date, telling your significant other something really important, or anything that should still (for the foreseeable future) be done with your voice.

#3: Change a Flat Tire.

Even if you never have to do it, know how it’s done. This is a symbolic piece of knowledge for you and you alone. If you have to change a tire, careful: once you’re finished, act just like you would when you offer your seat to an elderly or pregnant person on the bus. Don’t make excessive eye contact with the other riders and don’t bask in your own goodness. Just get back in the car and get back to being yourself.

#2: Know How to Transcend.

Make sure you go beyond these arbitrary lists of rules for men, occasionally. Sometimes it’s deadly important to think about what it means to be a man, what “manliness” means to you or any number of people in your life, and you’re probably not gonna find all those answers online. When you do something transcendent, or something big happens to you, embrace it—don’t fall back on ceremony when you don’t have to.

#1: Be Your Own Man.

Most of these lists feature something about facial hair, grooming, or some other trend-dependent thing that changes every year. So here: let’s say this rule told you to “cut that facial hair.” Then pretend you’re going to ignore that suggestion, because it’s not set in stone, hardly necessary, and the world is boring when everyone’s got a clean shave. Take this philosophy and expand outwards.