We’re well into 2009, but it’s never too late to look ahead at some of the new gadgets and product launches we’re looking forward to during the year. With one already-launched exception, here’s our roundup of the most interesting and/or useful gadgets that will be hitting stores during this calendar year. Just try and tell us there isn’t one here ready to pry that money out of your hand.

A Very Possible Apple Netbook/E-Book/10-inch Something

This one has been flying around the rumour sites recently, but was launched into the realm of very-possible when a source in a Taiwanese touchscreen manufacturer claimed that Apple has ordered a whole ton of 10-inch touchscreens. (the image above is a mockup created by someone at Gizmodo.)

The market is new, young, and could be (like the smartphone market of two years ago) theirs to take over. What’s it going to look like? Will there be a keyboard, or is it going to be like a giant iphone? My bet is a fantastic sort of larger iphone with a slide-out keyboard of some kind. Although to make that elegant and cheap might be kind of hard, and Steve Jobs has reportedly said that it’s impossible to ship something that costs $500 or less “without it being junk”, and thus it won’t happen.

But then… what are all those touchscreens for? One theory is a competing e-book reader, which would line Apple straight up against…

Amazon’s Kindle 2.0

This one has already launched, but will likely remain one of the top gadgets of the year. Not only did Amazon completely revamp the previously-awful industrial design of their first kindle, moving it much more towards an Apple-inspired direction (why does it always take companies that are not apple several tries to pull this off?), but they continued the free wireless service and increased the battery life to an insane level.

Until an e-book comes out that you can bend like paper and throw across the room, there probably won’t be any kind of massive revolution in the way we read, but as was argued here recently, there doesn’t need to be, as people have already proven themselves incredibly willing to read small text off woefully inadequate devices. I thought about reading a novel off my little cellphone the other day, for god’s sake.

The New ‘Premium’ Netbooks

2009 is finally going to be the year where netbooks move out of their initial phase, in which they showed up on the market, sold a ton, and began taking advantage of the internet-anywhere mentality as popularized by the iPhone.

The early efforts (as chronicled by us some time ago) were good, but lacked certain things: properly sized screens, long batteries, big HDs, etc. Towards the end of the year most manufacturers began releasing upgrades, and by now the near-ubiquitous acer aspire one has been replaced with an entirely new model. Same goes for the extremely popular MSI Wind, and the EEEPC, plus all the other netbooks coming out this year.

Battery life is constantly on the rise, and Intel is releasing the next generation of their tiny Atom chips, which will mean better performance in the same tiny packages. By Christmas of this upcoming year, you’re going to see an entirely new line of great netbooks on the market. And if Apple decides to join the fray? Look for standards to jump even higher.

USB 3

Sure, it’s hardly revolutionary, but it’s useful, and sometime in 2009 we’re going to see cable connections that will make everything much, much faster. Last year intel released all the specifications for USB 3, and in a few months we’ll be seeing the first devices featuring them.

How much faster is it? Let’s say you’ve just setup a new high-definition-equipped media center in your living room (media/streaming centers are likely to really explode this year), and you want to transfer that massive 24-gig HD movie you just downloaded to it. With a normal USB 2.0 connection, you’re looking at about 17 minutes, whereas with USB 3.0, the whole thing will take just over a minute.

It’s all backwards compatible, of course, and is one more step towards a seamless, incredibly fast data transfer between applications. Of course, back when USB 2.0 was an exciting, new thing, the biggest movies could get (if you’re talking about your standard old DIVX here) was around 700megs.

Why does that matter? Well, it may very well be possible that as we continue to invent new and exciting ways to transfer all our data, we’ll just keep getting more and more of that data, in bigger and bigger sizes. So maybe we won’t ever notice higher speeds after all.

(top image from Objectified: A Documentary Film)

This article will make you smarter. We guarantee it. Sure, it’s a big claim to make. How can one article guarantee to improve your intelligence? What are we going to offer you if we can’t? Well—not much, really. It’s not like we can reimburse you for the time spent reading this, but trust us on this one.

Reading through this article just once—even just skimming it—will completely change the way you think about certain things. Why? Because here we are going to present to you the list of the most common misconceptions many people hold, and how to correct them.

After reading this article, you can go out and cut people down to size during friendly bar conversation, becoming the rationalist curmudgeon people always knew you were! But even if you don’t impart this information to anyone else, keep this in mind—we only use 10% of our brains, we should be sure that what we add to them is actual, verifiable information.

What You Thought Was Once True Might Not Be.

That’s right, it’s time for some myth-busting, some balloon-deflating, some general puncturing of sorts. It’s very, very likely that at least one of the misconceptions on this list is currently in your head as a true fact, and therefore having it debunked or corrected is a demonstrable increase in your intelligence. Let’s go!

#1: Columbus Didn’t Believe the Earth Was Flat.

That’s right. It wasn’t that he thought the earth was flat and there was some kind of risk of falling off, he was just trying to find a passage to India. From about Ancient Greece onwards, it was generally known that the Earth was actually round.

#2: Napoleon Wasn’t Short.

Probably the main myth that still surrounds Napoleon, the idea that he was really short figures in a lot of fast evaluations of his character. Surely many short people have taken some kind of solace from all that Napoleon was able to pull off, and others have taken his lack of height as a motivation behind his striving for power. Turns out he was actually 5 feet, 6.5 inches, or 1.686 metres, so there goes that idea.

#3: Scottish Clans and Much of Its Famous History are Largely a Myth.

A huge amount of Scottish history was simply worked out after the fact, and a great deal of mythical Scottish connections to various tartans and clans has been built up, over the decades, on some pretty dubious history. A lot of it was chronicled here, recently.

#4: Cooking With Alcohol Means You Will Be Consuming the Alcohol.

Although everyone likes to say that the alcohol burns off during cooking, this isn’t the case. Some of it does, but there’s no way 5 minutes in a frying pan will somehow ‘eliminate’ the alcoholic strength of a cup of white wine. No problem, really, but if you’re ever serving dinner to a recovering alcoholic, pay attention.

#5: We Use More than 10% of our Brains.

Whoops, pure myth, the idea that 90% of our brains are just sitting there. This one gets repeated plenty. When you read it at the top of this article, did it seem like something you’ve heard so many times that it just seems acceptable? It used to be the same for me.

#6: We Don’t Lose Most of our Body Heat Through the Head.

So that episode in Seinfeld where George is wearing the big Russian hat and no jacket in the middle of winter? If you were using that as a reliable guide to how to dress in December, stop it now.

#7: Eating Late at Night Does Not Make You Fatter.

Nope. Doesn’t happen. It’s based on some kind of idea that, because we’re sleeping, our body is going to convert that just-ingested food into fat, whereas during the day, when we’re awake and using more energy, our body is going to… what, exactly? Decide to use the food for something else?

When you exercise, you are burning fat that you probably took in days or weeks ago. Same goes for storing fat: your body isn’t fast enough to convert a heavy, late-night meal into an instant belly. It’s all much slower and more complicated. The Spaniards eat at 10PM or later. Are they the fattest people in the world?

#8: The Daddy Long Legs Spider Isn’t the Most Venomous in the World.

The idea that it somehow ‘can’t bite you’ but if it could, it would kill you, isn’t true. First of all, it can bite you, and second, if it does, it won’t kill you. You’ll probably barely notice it.

#9: The Inuit Don’t Have Dozens of Words for Snow.

There are more words in English that define snow (or snow-like conditions) than there are in English. This one gets pulled out in every lazy article about languages.

#10: Being Cold or Wet Doesn’t Suddenly ‘Give’ You A Cold.

This is one of the biggest medical misconceptions ever. Being cold or wet can weaken your immune system, which can make you more susceptible to the cold virus. That’s it. Wind and cold air do not have a magic reaction with our skin that suddenly gives us a cold. We don’t suddenly catch a cold from a gust of air or some water.

This one, above possibly all other misconceptions, is possibly the hardest to shake. The amount of people who will insist that they’ve gotten terrible colds directly from gusty days or some rain is absolutely legion.

There are about 100 strains of cold virus out there, so weakening your immune system can certainly make you susceptible to them. But that’s it. Want to prevent colds properly? Every time you’ve done something that could make your immune system weaker, or something that could give you a virus (been out in the cold, shaken hands with someone, all that stuff), wash your hands with soap and warm water.

Doing this a few times a day instead of worrying about magic cold-winds will prevent more colds than putting on 20 jackets ever will.

Take This Precious Information and Spread It.

And now, go out into the world and arrogantly correct every instance of these misconceptions you stumble upon! You will be hailed as the smartest, wisest sage the 21st century has ever seen, or told to shut the hell up because you’re ruining everyone’s fun. Hey, either way.

(with thanks to wikipedia.)

The Timeless Art of Girls on Walls.

We all have that undeniable urge to put up posters and photographs of naked women on our walls. Admit it. We want them up there to greet us when we walk in, to look down on us as we sleep or partake of other in-the-bed activities, and we want them just because they’re naked and nearly life-sized, damnit.

But it’s not exactly classy to head online, order up some posters from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, or Playboy, or wherever, and just throw them up on your wall. Too fraternity-house, too “Mom finally let me put a lock on my door so I can do whatever I want in here now!” kind of thing. We’re not all 15 anymore.

But wait, wait… just because we’re also trying to act like respectable, classy men (sometimes), are we forced to never put up a large-scale reproduction of the female form? Forced to never contemplate the excellency of that wonderful creation, resigned to examining it only in small, magazine format, online, or in person?

Here’s a Very Fine Solution.

No, we’re not forced to. Societal constraints might prevent us from doing so without a tinge of remorse, but we here at ryoni.com, who know all about the importance of the female body, have discovered what is surely the classiest solution that still allows you to have nearly naked women all over your walls.

It might take a little leap in taste and tolerance, but trust us, that one day when you finally move in with your girlfriend and have to start making decorating decisions together? That day will involve you putting up a representation of a nearly naked woman designed to make people slightly excited while looking at her, and your girlfriend saying “I love it!” and it staying on the wall forever.

How is that possible? Easy: pin-ups!

That’s right. There’s a whole world of glamorous art available to go up on your wall right this very moment, and practically all of it is 100x classier than any cheesy frat-house poster you’ll find elsewhere.

The King of the Pin-Ups.

For something that’s a little less arousing than a full on 2000s-era swimsuit model but still fun to look at, check out some of the unbelievable illustrated work done by the best pin-up artists of the 1940s and 50s. Alberto Vargas is one famous name, but for my money, no one is better than Gil Elvgren.

There’s something about his colour schemes, about the gorgeousness of his women, and the fact that in nearly every piece of work, they’re being ‘caught’ by the artist’s eye in some wonderful phase of undress.

He strikes the perfect balance between the pin-up aesthetic and showing skin, never getting too boring but keeping things just on the edge of tastefulness all the same, which is why his art is perfect to adorn your walls. I’ve got three of his prints on mine.

If illustrated pin-ups aren’t your style, go for actual pin-up photos. There’s a goldmine of good stuff out there, and there’s a certain voluptuous sexiness about many of these girls that you won’t find on a modern calendar.

Curvaceous, Gorgeous Women.

Standards were simply different back then, so what might look like flaws or a more compartmentalized sexiness today (generally, I’m talking about an extra few pounds here, a bit more curvaceousness there) was not only the mainstream back at the time, but was actually celebrated.

As such it means your sexy wall posters are not only more human-looking, but if you ever find yourself in the position of having to defend, for whatever reason, the fact that you have a lot of girly photos on your walls, you’ll be on much more solid ground when it’s time to make your argument.

And If Pin-Ups Don’t Do it For You?

If you’re the kind of guy who doesn’t just put up swimsuit photos on his wall but goes all out and plasters his room with posters of completely naked women, is there a tasteful option for you? Well, yes and no.

Putting up various pieces of vintage erotica, old nudes, and Playboy shots from the 50s is probably your best bet here, but a lot of the old erotica photography just isn’t going to get the eyes of today very excited.

Partially because it’s not very well done in the first place, and second because it’s just a little weird in general. Every woman photographed looks practically the same at first glance.

So unfortunately, those of you who need (or just like) full-on nudity up on your walls are probably a little out of luck when it comes to trying forsome ‘tastefulness’. But don’t worry.

If you ever decide to dial down the erotic quota that covers your wallpaper, there are plenty of extremely sexy and wonderfully sharp pieces of work out there that can keep your desire for nudie ladies intact while saving your decorating sensibilities, too.

Girls Have Secrets.

You might think you know all about the G-Spot or the ubiquitous lower-back tattoo, but do you have any idea what the Dimples of Venus are? The Whale Tail? Do you know that buttock cleavage (there’s got to be a better name for that) has been sexually attractive for centuries? If not, never fear—we’re here to tell you about a few of the strange mysteries of the female body, the uncharted territories and places that actually have real names and concepts attached to them.

A lot of these things come into common knowledge as trends—the kind of things you hear someone mention at school or work before you realize it’s a full-fledged meme, a concept that has been known for some time but has only recently got a proper name.

You Probably Know About the Sex Moves.

Maybe you’re thinking of the sex moves: the dirty sanchez, the rusty trombone, all those non-existent and generally misogynistic myths that always involve some sort of outlandish act. No—these are something else entirely, little hidden parts on the female form that have only recently gained the proper nomenclature to go with them. Check them out:

What About the Dimples of Venus?

Dimples—those little indentations that appear on the cheeks of certain people when they smile—are generally known by everybody. So what are the Dimples of Venus, then? Simple: dimples that appear at the bottom of the lower back, just where the butt starts. For a more formal explanation, I turn to the always-reliable (well, no) Wikipedia:

They are sagittally symmetrical indentations sometimes visible on the human lower back, just superior to the gluteal cleft. They are directly superficial to the twosacroiliac joints, the sites where the sacrum attaches to the ilium of the pelvis.

Hm, sure. In layman’s terms?

The term “dimples of Venus,” while informal, is a historically accepted name within the medical profession for the superficial topography of the sacroiliac joints. The Latin name is fossae lumbales laterales (”lateral lumbar indentations”). These indentations are created by a short ligament stretching between the posterior superior iliac spine and the skin.

Guess not. But it’s clear enough from this—they’re irregular and actually pretty damn desireable. Coming, as they do, at the exact point just above the g-string or bikini line, they form a rather perfect complement to what’s down below.

Or the Whale Tail?

The exact opposite of what you’re thinking, probably. When I first heard the term “Whale Tail” I thought it was referring to some kind of strange deformation of the rear end, a kind of ass that ballooned outwards and somehow, somewhere, made someone think of the tail of a whale. No.

Turns out the actual thing itself is much more appropriate to its name: just like a whale’s tail sticking out above the water, the whale tail on a female—one who has let her pants ride down somewhat, thus exposing her underwear—looks exactly like one. You could call it a Y-shaped thong, and again, according to Wikipedia, it was worn quite intentionally by various celebrities over the past decade, apparently now having fallen out of favour.

Good, I say—who wants an intentionally created piece of underwear exposure when the improvised, happenstance, random one is really the only reason it’s sexy?

And We Can’t Forget Buttock Cleavage!

This one is 100x clearer than the other two we just looked at. You know what it is, the cleavage formed at the top of the butt. But did you know there are desirable depictions of it going back almost three centuries? Check out this Danish painting by Christoffer Eckersberg. Those old Danes were surprisingly adept at prediciting our early-21st-century enjoyments (or trends, at least) when it came to the female form.

Although buttock cleavage and the whale tail have fallen out of favour recently, they’re responsible for a couple of things: besides creating a new term that’s cool in a linguistic sense, they trained our eyes on previously unknown areas of female attractiveness. Any time a ‘new cleavage’ or erogenous zone gets ‘invented’ like this, we as men benefit, as something that wasn’t so special only days before, becomes, right in front of our eyes, yet another entry in the great catalogue of female sexiness.

Moving Our Tired Bodies Once Again

Humans, like certain hibernating animals, tend to store fat during the winter and shed it in the summer. Unlike, say, grizzly bears, we do it through a complicated process known as “getting back in shape”, but it’s generally the same thing, minus the months of sleeping and consuming our own fat.

If you’re the kind of guy who’s been going to a gym all winter, this article isn’t for you. In most places, the winter is cold, dark, and often depressing. It’s fine to hit the gym as much as possible, but oftentimes we find ourselves sitting around just a little bit more, eating a bit more, and moving around a little less.

Now that spring is on the horizon (depending where you are… sorry, Canadians), you need to start thinking about getting active again, about running, exercising, walking—whatever you gotta do.

That’s why ryoni.com is here with five ways you can stop lazing around and quickly get back in shape and back into your routine.

5. Use the Better Weather to Your Advantage.

Each day brings more warmth, right? Any time it’s feasible to get out there and go for a run (people do it throughout the winter, too, but we all know they’re crazy), try it out. Notice it’s suddenly warm enough to go for a long, robust walk without taking your hat and gloves or a heavy coat? Do it!

If you stay conscious of how the weather is consistently improving after the long stretch that is winter, you’ll appreciate every single change in temperature, and with appreciation comes a desire for exploitation. Take advantage of it.

4. Longer Days Are Your Friend.

Come this time—early March—every day is giving us about 2-3 minutes of extra sunlight. You add that up, and in one week you’ve got an extra 15-20 minutes of sun. What’s 20 minutes good for?

Hell, a run, a quick walk, a fast game of catch, or pick-up anything—every week that we move closer towards summer is like a gift of free light allowing you to exercise all the easier.

3. Do Something Every Day.

This is extremely simple but often the hardest step. When coming out of a long period of inactivity, we’re often tempted to set a big plan for ourselves, with specific workdays and all the rest.

Life doesn’t ever work out that easily, and after we miss a few of our scheduled appointments or exercise plans, it’s easy to fall off the wagon. That’s why it’s more important to measure activity in a smaller way, and on a daily basis.

Didn’t have time for your run today, but have 20 extra minutes? Throw on your coat and walk, at a fast pace, for those 20. It’s better than nothing, you don’t have to do a bunch of stretching and deal with the extra details of going for a run or going to the gym, and you’ve still burned some calories and taken some steps towards getting back to the level you want. That’s all that matters, not sticking to the exact weekly schedule you made for yourself.

2. Start Small.

Besides excessive planning, which almost everyone can be guilty of, the other big sin when coming out of a long period like the winter is to overdo it in the quantity department, too. It’s really easy to setup a thorough exercise regime at your desk, followed by a stressful week of trying to follow it, finishing with eventual abandonment of the entire project.

Make a rough outline of your plan, don’t make it too big (in terms of strict schedule but also just straight-up activity levels), and leave enough flexibility, both on paper and mentally, so that if you screw up, miss a few days, or just get caught up in whatever else life is doing, it doesn’t throw you off terribly.

1. Follow the Magic Formula: Cardio/Weights.

Once you’ve internalized all those pieces of advice above, are thinking about getting active every day but not going crazy with your planning or setting excessive goals, and are taking advantage of the extra sun and warmer weather, what exactly do you do?

Do you embark on an ever-increasing amount of running per day, measuring by kilometre? Do you figure out a ton of circuit exercises and do pushups in your basement for hours instead? What’s the best option?

Go to any gym or ask anyone how you can quickly, safely, and effectively get yourself back in shape and they’ll all tell you the quickest, simplest way is a cardio/circuit mix.

Try and get 20-30 minutes of cardiovascular work in every day. That’s running, biking, elliptical training, hell, even power-walking will do it fine.

Then, three times a week, right after you’ve done that cardio, do some weight work. Pop into a gym, or figure out a series of exercises (the internet is full of them) you can do with only your own body weight at home, or buy a set of dumbbells or a resistance band.

Don’t focus exclusively on one or the other: just running or just weights won’t get you back into shape so quickly, and when it finally does, it’ll already be October.

Why This Works So Well

Ask anyone at any gym and they’ll all tell you: for a general ‘get back in shape’ plan, nothing beats the cardio/weight split. Nothing works faster and nothing feels better: every run will feel good because of the weights, and the weights won’t feel as draining because of your cardio capacity.

Any other suggestions for how to get back into it after a long winter? Let us know!

Why We Love Alcohol

Who doesn’t love drinking? I know I do, and unless you have some medical problems we don’t know about or are abstaining for religious or moral reasons, you probably love consuming fresh, delicious alcohol too.

The wonderful versatility of this drug lets us consume it in dozens of forms, so there’s one for every palate: is wine your thing? There’s plenty. Maybe the bitter taste of beer leaves you feeling more refreshed. There’s a whole world of them out there.

Delicious, Delicious Variety

Hard liquor what you need to get through the day? No worries, alcohol’s in all of those, too! And there are hundreds! Fruit-filled drinks that taste more like sugary juices than any kind of traditional alcoholic beverage? Sure, why the hell not?

With all that’s out there to choose from, and with our homes, apartments, bars, clubs, outdoor festivals, alleys, and bathrooms as suitable and enjoyable places where we can enjoy a drink, what’s stopping us from drinking all the time? I mean, really, why don’t we?

Drunk at Work

Two centuries ago, in America, the average citizen put away an absolutely unbelievable amount of gin or other strong alcohol per day. Most people were drunk—quite drunk—by the time they started the second half of their workday. Sure, workplace accidents were legion and the health benefits were nil, but so what?

Alright, maybe my dream of an alchohol-fueled workforce is outdated and irresponsibly dangerous. Maybe drinking isn’t something that needs to be the absolute center of our lives, lest we lapse into alcoholism and early deaths by the thousands. But besides those sad possibilities, there’s a much worse consequence: the dreaded hangover.

Consequences: May Range from Mild to Unbelievably Nauseating and Painful

The sickness, occasional vomiting, general feeling of complete depression: all these things alcohol leaves us as its wonderful parting gift. Is there any way around it? Sure. Don’t drink. But what if we want to keep drinking, and yet keep our jobs, our lives, our mental health?

With just that in mind, ryoni.com is now going to give you the two most fundamental, absolute, you-must-always-follow-these rules for avoiding, destroying, or getting around a hangover.

These are not little magic recipes involving eggs and wheat germ or strange other things you’ve got to consume the morning after. These are the two (and you only need two) tried-and-true ways to actually AVOID or seriously REDUCE your hangover altogether, which is all that really matters.

Rule Number One: If You Mix Alcohol, Never Increase the Strength.

In other words, if you start with beer, which is generally the lowest-alcohol drink you can find, try and stick with beer. Everyone knows that the drunker you get, the easier it is to consume, but there are other problems, hidden ones, too, if you don’t heed this rule.

See, it’s not just that you don’t feel the alcohol content when you’re downing that whiskey at the end of the night as though it was the same as that beer you had hours before. It’s also crucial for your hangover, and for the way your body deals with the alcohol itself.

Throwing a whole bunch of different drinks and alcohol percentages at your stomach mean your liver is going to be processing them at wildly varying rates, and thus will be operating at less than full capacity.

It’s Far Too Easy to Confuse Your System

Sure, if you simply drink ‘too much’ wine you’ll get plenty sick regardless, but by mixing it up, you’re confusing the hell out of your body’s system to process alcohol, which might mean that, in switching from wine to beer to vodka, you can stave off vomiting like you wouldn’t if you threw back 10 rum & cokes in an row, but you will pay the price (dearly) the next day.

Why? Because the next day, your liver and brain will still be going through that encyclopedia of alcohol you’ve thrown at them and telling you to never do it again.

Stick with one or two ‘types’, relatively close in alcohol content. Strong beer and mild wine are a good example. This can really, really, really save your ass.

It’s the difference bewteen a mildly annoying hangover you’ve gotta ’shake off’ and one that debilitates you for the day. Your workplace will thank you for making the responsible decision.

Rule Number Two: Water is Your Friend.

You’ve probably heard about the ‘chase every drink with a pint of water‘ rule. I have never, in my life, ever, seen anyone following this maxim, partly because it’s easy to forget, and secondly because the quantity of liquid inevitably slows down your alcohol consumption. It’s simply not possible to throw back that second pint when you’ve laid down a half-litre of water just beforehand.

Ah, but you say—that’s the whole point! It slows down your consumption AND hydrates you, thus conferring a double benefit! No. That’s only a benefit if you’re being responsible and thinking about every step before you take it, which goes exactly against the image of a wanton drinker, throwing back pints with reckless abandon. We’re here to drink and have fun, not keep a drink diary and file a report the next morning, fresh as dew.

Cram that Precious Water Down Your Throat

Not to worry, though, as there’s a better way to use your new best friend, mister water. Although it’s the equivalent of studying for 15 hours the night before a big exam, we’ve all done that before, right? And this time there’s no exam, just a hangover waiting to punish you. So cram away.

All you have to do is drink about 2-3 litres of water before you go to sleep. Of course, if you are stumbling around blind drunk, on the verge of vomiting or blacking out, there’s no way you are going to get that much water down, so you’re already a lost cause. But if you’re just feeling “really drunk” and have to, say, work the next day? Get over to that tap and stay there for at least a half hour.

Should You Take An Aspirin, Too?

A lot of people also swear by the painkiller method in combination with this–something NOT containing acetominophen, which will destroy your liver when it’s already extremely busy with the alcohol, but say, ibuprofen, which will just be heavy on your stomach and kidneys but leave your liver alone.

Again, no one ever really recommends taking pills after you’ve drank a lot, so we are definitely not recommending it here, just mentioning that some (reckless) people swear by it as something to reduce any potential headaches the next day. But it runs a big risk.

Back to the water, which doesn’t have much of a risk at all: it’s the key. It’s not easy, and you’re going to have to force literally pint after pint of water down your throat when the only thing you want to do is go to sleep, but in the end, I swear, your body will thank you dearly.

The Price Your Bladder Will Pay

If you have a weak bladder, you’ll be getting up once during the night to hit the bathroom, or when you wake up in the morning you are going to be absolutely racing to the toilet, but it’s a very small price to pay for a day free of the hangover.

It’s not great for your bladder, sure, but is bombing your body with alcohol and then letting it process it all during the night any better? The phyiscal pain your body goes through during a hangover is probably just as damaging as a bit of extra water you’ve gotta hold during the night (but then again, I’m no doctor).

As for your hangover, if you’ve followed this method: it changes completely. It’s still there, somewhat, but the worst manifestation you’ll probably get is a kind of mild depression, which then gets alleviated by caffeine and other alcoholic beverages you start consuming later on in the day.

A Hangover That Actually Feels Kinda Nice, We Swear

In other words, the absolute best kind of hangover, the one that brings you just a touch down and then leaves you feeling relieved and happy every time you take yourself back up (with a meal, sugar, coffee, another beer, whatever).

A final maxim: DO NOT partake of this ‘cure’ the next morning and expect miracles. By all means, if you went immediately to sleep, drink lots of water in the morning. Regardless of anything else, that’s a good idea. But don’t expect it to work like the night-time cure does.

Why This Only Works the Night Before

So do not give your body the chance to digest only alcohol all night. By the time you wake up, your brain will have been asking for water for several hours, and your body, due to your lack of intake, will have been unable to provide it. Giving it a little bit the morning after is simply not enough.

See, after your night of alcohol digestion and processing, and a lack of water, your brain will contract slightly, giving you the hangover headache that will ruin your day.

Don’t let it happen! Give your brain what it wants, annoy your bladder somewhat, and drink water BEFORE bed. Lots of it.

We welcome any other sure-fire hangover cures in the comments!

Guys like drummers. Guys especially (myself included here) like insane drummers, legends who could pound those drum-skins into complete oblivion, who had a strange, reckless, devil-may-care abandon when it came to drumming, who seemed possessed by satan and never once apologized for it. These guys were madmen, kings on earth, usually with outsized personalities that made them near-impossible to work with but amazing to listen to when all was said and done.

We’ve thought long and hard, and have now come up with what we think are the definitive five most insane drummers in history. There might be a few more technically skilled (you can find me 20 metal drummers who can probably do more insane things than these guys) and others who we just don’t feel like putting on here (Neal Peart), so take issue all you want. It doesn’t matter.

There are plenty of tributes to those wonderful studio musicians all over the internet and in every tired classic rock magazine out there, but that’s not what we’re looking for. We want that inspirational drumming, that weird drumming, that insanley over-the-top drumming that doesn’t just make you think “wow, this guy sure is talented!” but instead “holy shite my ears are melting in the face of such thundering drum power” and other such hyperbole.

These and these guys alone would make the cut for the celestial all-star drumming team, if God were somehow forced to assemble a super all-star team of monster drummers. He will be, one day.

Gene Krupa

Benny Goodman’s drummer for a long period, Krupa started the whole drummer-with-insane-facial-expressions movement, as I like to call it. One of the most entertaining classic jazz drummers ever, Krupa isn’t the most technically accomplished, but is extremely fun to watch and brings giant personality to everything he did. Check out this youtube video for proof. Or this one. There’s nothing like a sweating, insane Krupa all dressed up in his 1940s-era band uniform, going absolutely mad on a minimalist jazz kit.

Buddy Rich

Our other jazz choice. Although I think other drummers have better recorded stuff, Buddy Rich is a classic oversized musician, with the domineering personality, the straight-A asshole behaviour pattern, and the madman drumming chops to back it all up. Here he is battling Animal from the Muppet Show (in Italian, no less). There are secret recordings of Buddy Rich’s rants against his bandmates, several of which were cherished for many years by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, who actually used direct lines of his on Seinfeld. You can hear some of those classic tapes here. A true madman.

Keith Moon

The only drummer on this list to actually be certified insane (no), Ketih Moon was a psychopathic musician who did for rock drumming what… well, what a ton of other innovators did for a bunch of other instruments. Mostly using a stripped-down kit like his jazz heroes, Moon managed to make the Who’s early recordings sound so damn full of energy and life, thanks to his insane rolls and incredible speed, that he became an instant legend. The best story ever about him: he never owned a drumset, and would only practice in studios or at other people’s houses before the Who were about to go out on tour. He’d forget most of what he knew, but by the time he re-learned everything (in a matter of days) he was better than before. See him here.

Terry Bozzio

Frank Zappa’s drummer. I guess that’s all that needs to really be said, since Frank Zappa was rather insane, thus making Terry Bozzio equally nuts when onstage with him. Check out this clip from Baby Snakes to see him in action. Youtube is full of slightly boring footage of Bozzio setting up his billion-drum set and drumming for Korn and all the rest of it, but to really appreciate the weirdness of this guy, you have to see him playing with Zappa. Just watch this clip and listen to the lyrics of this song, and try to think of another mainstream drummer who’s done stuff like this before. Ignore his later stuff and he easily fits on this list.

Jon Bonham

Led Zeppelin’s drummer was booming and massive and didn’t really play with the technical skills of the rest of these guys, but was amazing because he pounded away behind a bunch of Led Zeppelin’s heaviest, loudest stuff, and his massively long solos for Moby Dick are, instead of being technical examples of superfast drumming, big showcases for how much he could pound the hell out of his drumkit. Like Keith Moon, he died relatively young from some excessive drinking and partying, but while he was around, he was a massive force behind the drums. Check out a part of Moby Dick here, and listen to a song like Rock and Roll from the remastered How the West Was Won (youtube clip here, but you need good quality for this stuff, so buy it) to understand how loud and awesome he could get.

Thoughts, comments, other drummers you think fit this bill? Tell us! Now!

That’s right, here are some of the sexiest cities in Europe, the legendary and the newly-established hotspots where you can arrive, hit the town, and… get it on. Some are classics, some are unexpected, all are full of romantic potetntial you’d be a fool to squander.

Rome

Ah, this is my current city, and thus the one that comes first. It’s the eternal city, as they say, but not necessarily known as the most romantic place on earth—the chaos and improvisational nature of Italian life mean it’s not as easily insta-romantic as, say, Paris. But, hey, it’s Rome, so don’t worry.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: Head out for a relaxing walk through some of Rome’s classic old neighbourhoods, ones like Trastevere and Testaccio, until you settle upon a small Osteria for dinner. Use a site like spottedbylocals to pick one that’s authentic and delicious. After dinner, hop in a cab and get back into the historical center, grab a gelato by the Pantheon, and then walk through the small streets until you’re back at your hotel/hostel. Before you go in for the night, throw back a 1-euro coffee in a nearby bar for some extra strength. Get it corretto (correct, which means with a shot of alcohol in it) and you’ll be set.

If You Don’t: It’s legal to drink outdoors in Rome, but if you’re a tourist here, it’s best not to go overboard (actually, it’s currently illegal after 9PM, but hopefully only for a temporary period). They say you’re stuck chatting up other tourists and travellers because of the inaccessible, overly protected ‘Italian female’, but that’s just an old stereotype. Head to San Lorenzo, the student district by the train station, use a site like Roma Zero to find a club night, show, or bar with a DJ that fits what you like, and go in. Drink, dance, and talk to the Italians and see what happens.

Paris

What to say about Paris.. it’s expensive, one of the most touristed destinations on the planet, but also one of the most incredible cities ever. Can you break through the cliched expectations of French romance and actually pull something off? Of course you can.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: You’ve got it easy. Get some good beer at a Brasserie in the afternoon, hit up a chocolate shop or two and keep walking it off, eat somewhere in the Marais district (near the Picasso museum), hit up another brasserie for some more wine, take a bottle to go, and end your night on the Pont Des Artistes, spanning the Seine. Tons of young people go and sit there until 2AM, eating, drinking, singing, laughing, making out. It’s romantic, fun, drunk, and beautiful as all hell, and by the time you get back to your bed you’ll both be going mad.

If You Don’t: Head over to the Bastille district, grab a beer or two with whoever you’re with on the steps of the Opera House (the new, less beautiful one), then head up the street to the wonderful concentration of bars there. Move in and out, drinking, chatting, embarassing yourself in French, and see what happens. Far better here than wandering the now-deserted streets of the very center, wondering where all the action is. Now you know.

Stockholm

Cliches abound about Swedish women, although the fact that many of them are blonde and tall and quite beautiful seems to be relatively accurate. You’re going to spend a lot of cash here, so come prepared.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: You need to keep just one single thing in mind. Don’t let her catch you staring at the Swedish girls walking, drinking, or dancing nearby. Seriously, this is way harder than it seems, and although the same kind of thing can happen in Spain or Italy or other countries, there’s something about Sweden (and especially Stockholm) that puts a guy into a guy of overload as soon as he arrives. If a nice vacation with your girlfriend is what you’re after, just stay alert is all I’m saying.

If You Don’t: Well, the previous portion kinda answered this question, did it not? Get your 400 euros or however much you plan on spending at the various Stockholm clubs or bars, head out to one that suits your taste (again, do your research here), and take advantage of the wonderful Swedish education system that means everyone there is already going to be speaking a ridiculously good level of English. Use their blinding attractiveness to your advantage—just pretend they’re all so beautiful and inaccessible that you might as well go for broke and just do whatever comes into your mind (within reason, of course), and it’ll work to your advantage.

Berlin

This is a different kind of vibe. Berlin isn’t a city that automatically springs to mind when you think of some great European sexy-party destination, but I want to explain why it is.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: Make sure she’s one who’s seen and enjoyed Cabaret a few times, and then head out on a tour of Weimar-era Berlin in all its decadent, degraded, hedonistic glory. By the time you’re done staring at transexual dancers and decadent erotic paintings by George Grosz, and have thrown back a few fine German beers, both of you are going to be running back to your hotel to get up to all kinds of strange things.

If You Don’t: Here’s where you’ve gotta get specific—Berlin has a bar or club or entire scene devoted to just about every aesthetic, sexual, or lifestyle choice you could possibly imagine for yourself, so take a look at some listings and try to envision the kind of girl you find the most irresistible. Is it an arch indie-hipster type at a dance/punk club, a sort-of-gothic girl who has about 50 unbelievably amazing tattoos, or a stay-up-all-night Berlin party girl who hasn’t stopped dancing since that giant rave in the 90s? All these types and more are out there, so treat Berlin like the ultimate chance to diversify or specify.

Madrid

Ah, Spain. Long black hair and beautiful accents speaking a beautiful language and eyes that will destroy you as soon as you step off the plane. Don’t be afraid.

If You’ve Already Got a Girl: Like before—food, good drinks, walks around the town, followed by you-know-what back at the hotel. This site is just invaluable for this kind of thing. Sometimes the expectation of southern-European romance can work against you, and what should be a romantic and really nice time in a mediterranean city can get wrecked up by the common pitfalls of tourism (transportation headaches, confusion with the city, etc.). Keep a relaxed attitude and don’t try and pack too many common tourist-sites into one day. All the best times (day and night) on a trip come from the unexpected discoveries you make on the trip, not from gawking at the same thing 40 million other people have photographed that year. Remember it and you’ll be far better off in every sense.

If You Don’t: Generally, follow the same rules that you might in Rome—find where the students go and head there. If you find a Botellón in progress, try and join it. What’s a Botellón, you might ask? This is where tons of young Spaniards get together and drink outdoors with beer, wine, and alcohol bought at a supermarket or nearby store instead of going to a bar. It’s slowly being outlawed throughout Spain, so take advantage of a dying tradition, have a few drinks with some beautiful Spaniards, and use that liquid courage to start conversations with them. Spain is generally full of warm and friendly people (yeah, another stereotype, but if you’re out for a few drinks with students it’s generally true) and you shouldn’t have too much trouble.

That’s it, five western-european cities, five of the best places in the world to find some love, whether for a night or something much longer. Did we miss one? Of course we missed one. We missed about 100. Let us know which ones in the comments!

Alright, we’re back with our second part of how to take things to a physical level when you’re out on a date or just stuck, in general, in a situation that you know could be way better but so far isn’t. If you missed our first part, check it out here.

Remember the crucial things:

People are smart enough to see through most tricks, so that’s not what these are. Tricks don’t work. These are useful methods to integrate into your already-interesting personality, not pre-fab sets of behaviour you can just expect to work like magic. And so, with that out of the way, on with the show:

The Announcement

This one is tricky but works extremely well, because it can be really disarming. If you think the moment is right to, say, try and kiss her (if you’ve been doing some of the other things already, or it just seems like a charged moment and you’re face to face), but you don’t want to lean in without at least something, this is useful.

It not only cuts the pre-kiss tension (which gets built up afterwards in a different way during the kiss), but it leaves you an ‘out’ that a straight-up kiss-attempt won’t grant you.

What you need to do is announce what you’re going to do just before you do it, something relaxed and slightly ironic, like “I think I’m gonna kiss you right now” or some other silliness. And then leave about one second as you move in, which is—if you’re fast—enough time to read how she’s reacting, and also gives her a bit of time to reject it, if that’s the case.

If she says something tough like “oh, not yet” or “not… right now”, don’t fall apart. Be smart about it. Don’t say anything like “fine” or “I see” or “why?” These are all terrible. Just make another joke in the most relaxed way you can, something like “Ah.. good I announced it first, then” and move on immediately. Whatever you do, don’t dwell on what just happened if it didn’t work out. Immediately say something like “so listen” in a positive tone and start in on something else. ASAP. You’ll be fine.

Of course if you don’t get rejected, this method is a hell of a lot more charming than just a blind attempt with your head and mouth.

Using Circumstances

If you find yourself crammed into a little taxi or sharing an armrest at a movie theatre, squeezing together on a subway car or kept in close proximity by how busy the sidewalk is, use this to your advantage. But do it smartly. Don’t act like a little kid winning a prize, treating this unforseen gift of physical closeness as a kind of free pass that allows you to skip a step in moving things forward.

These situations are always really tricky: you don’t want to call too much attention to how close the two of you are for fear of seeming creepy, and you don’t want to ignore it outright, since that’s boring.

Try and walk the fine line in-between the two. If you’re the type that can make a tension-defusing joke here (ie if you can say “hmm, this is wonderfully awkward” without sounding dumb), do it. If not, good luck—this is often the hardest part.

And Sometimes You Don’t

Sometimes the best way to get physical next time is by realizing when it isn’t your time at the moment. Or maybe ever. Don’t worry. You’re a chivalrous dude, not a grunting pig.

Use your intelligence, and if it’s not in the cards, if your other attempts have been met by gentle refuffs, drop it immediately and seriously devote your attention to something else for the evening. If you can’t do that, if your expectations of physical romance can make you completely unfocused once they don’t work out, you’ve got some prioritizing to do.

But if you can move on and still have a great time, things will work out for you. And if they don’t, ultimately? So what. You were mature about it regardless. Don’t pout and you’ll be a better guy for it.

To Conclude

Of course this goes without saying, but every piece of dating/sex advice sorta requires this as a disclaimer, and although it’s a sad situation to always have to put this in, it’s necessary: if she has been rebuffing you in a not-so-gentle way and you’re still trying, stop at once. Go home and re-evaluate what the hell it is you think you’re doing as a man before going on another date and subjecting the opposite sex to your BS.

But that’s not you, right? No, and thank God. Go out there, and actually enjoy the uncertainty, that thrill at the beginning when it’s all on the line, when you’ve gotta take things to the next level and the challenge is to figure out which way (and there are many, as we’ve seen) you’re gonna do it. Be a smart man in every way you can.

Check out the first part of this article here.

Alright, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Despite our previous article indicating the five things you should not do on this Day—whatever your feelings towards the ‘holiday’ itself—there are still plenty of you that are likely going to do something romantic that day. Hell, I count myself in among that number, even though I like railing against the entirely unnecessary existence of a ‘romance holiday’ in the first place.

How, exactly, to get physical?

But since this day does exist, and since relentless coverage forces everyone, however fleetingly, to acknowledge the concept of sex, love, and romance even for a passing second, why not take advantage of the opportunity and go over some crucial tips on how to take things to a physical level when out on a date. This probably won’t be a Valentine’s Day date, as those are usually for couples. But hey, you never know.

No, this isn’t a complicated seduction website.

This isn’t going to be some elaborate seduction seminar or complicated series of difficult-to-remember conversation moves. For those of you religiously following the ’seduction’ community, more power to you. But this article is for the guys who either a) find the idea of using a full-on behavioural/seduction manual counterproductive to being themselves, or b) guys who already have a bit of game but sometimes have trouble taking it to the next level.

It’s normal; part of the unbelievable fun of seduction and sex is the uncertainty of it all, the notion that for every big chance you might get to spend the night with someone you’ve been after, there’s an equally great chance you could screw it all up. Even—no, especially—with the best of intentions.

With that in mind, here are a few ways to go about taking things to a physical level without a) being an asshole, b) being a passive, unattractive pushover, or c) screwing it all up in the end.

First: one thing to keep in mind before we begin.

Before the list, though, I ask you to keep one thing in mind first, one thing over and above any individual pieces of advice or methods, and that is:

People are smart enough to see through most tricks, so that’s not what these are. Tricks don’t work. A girl is going to know if you’re acting against your nature. She’s going to know if you’re faking a macho personality just to try and impress her, and she’s going to know if you’re hiding a misogynistic side as you attempt to seem ‘down’ with feminism. Don’t act silly.

Now wait, you say—is a girl always going to pick up on this? Well, no. There are plenty of girls who won’t, plenty of girls who really do want that silly macho personality with absolutely nothing behind it. But put it this way: you shouldn’t be going after them, they who are woefully attracted to straight-up, brutally simplistic machismo with no charm attached. You’re an intelligent guy, right? There are millions of intelligent girls, too. They deserve your attention.

Plus: over-the-top macho dudes don’t bother reading articles like this, because they’re putting in hours at the gym, waxing their scrotums, or chauvinistically picking up a certain type of woman who can’t see even a tiny bit through the silly exterior. Leave them to it, and everyone’s happy.

So that means don’t try for women who pose for various racing calendars in skimpy bikinis. By all means, stare at them, enjoy them, all the rest—but don’t chase after them. There’s a whole squad of guys out there already doing it, and they’re spending so many sad, depressing hours on their own appearances that it’s better to just leave well enough alone.

And now, to the advice.

Ok, with that out of the way: you’re out or at home with a girl, things are going well, and you’re in that limbo zone between flirting and making a physical move. How do you do it?

Number 1: Keep it Light

This is one of the most effective methods of seduction in general. If you joke around—play little games, try and make jokes about how, say, she’s gonna be obligated to kiss you on the cheek if you finish that piece of cake first, just little, silly things like that. But keep it light.

Don’t make it obvious that you’re trying to escalate things through a desperate series of little games unless the games are actually fun, or flow somewhat organically out of the conversation you’re having.

In other words: if you suddenly propose a silly game in the middle of a depressing movie you’re both watching (probably not the best choice for a date in the first place), you’re not doing it right. It’s got to flow naturally.

That’s the thing: if any of these moves become obvious, change your course. Obvious is different than noticeable, of course. You want your moves to be noticed—hell, you’re trying to get physical here, damnit—but you don’t want obvious, because obvious is just one small step above desperate, my friend, and that we do not want.

Number 2: The Compliment-Touch

Touch her arm, hand, elbow, shoulder, very lightly, as you compliment on her on something. There are specific rules that go with this one:

• You have to be able to read very well here. There are times when it works, times when it should not be tried. Use your intuition.
• Do it with your fingertip first in an almost-unnoticable way. If it works, you’ve broken the tension and set a kind of electric charge between you.
• This sets up a pattern. Once she does it back, take that as a signal to try it again. If she has absolutely zero response or a negative response, move on.

This is one of the most direct physical moves there is, as it involves touching without many previous circumstances already in place. Read those rules over again.

They aren’t things you have to keep in your head at all times (none of this advice works if you’re constantly trying to remember it all while dating, and acting like a weird seduction-robot), but they are things that stem naturally from acting like this, things that contribute to an overall impression of charm and smoothness you’re trying to cultivate.

More to Come

Click here for part 2 of this article, the other big chunk of remaining advice (we can’t drop too much on you at once) and remember: the one rule to keep in your head above all else is naturalness. No one single piece of advice, no single move or word or gesture will ever compensate for the confidence you project when you’re acting natural, when the things you’re doing on a date look like things you’ve done before, not things you read about once on a website.

That should be at the very front of your mind—until it disappears because it’s second nature (ah, there’s that natural word again).

It’s cold outside right now. Maybe you’re lucky and you live in a place where it’s not so cold that you need something to cover your ears every single day. You, my friend, are a lucky person.

When it comes to the weather, it’s often hard to reconcile the demands of men’s fashion with the punishments of mother nature, which is where the fine men’s hat comes in. Sure, you could keep going with just a baseball cap and that hood attached to your jacket, or maybe hold your hands up against your ears while you walk, but is that really stylish?

Nah. Head out on the street, especially in any European town—ah, I’ll admit, they got it easier over here, where in many places it doesn’t get so insanely cold—and you’ll see plenty of men sporting some very fine headwear that means they look good and solid no matter where they’re going to. You can do the same. Even if it’s damn cold.

Take a look at these five different hats: three are for winter weather that isn’t bone-chilling, but still cold enough that you need something on your head, and the other two are true winter hats. You remember that Seinfeld episode where George was walking around with that giant Russian-style hat and not wearing a coat because the thing kept him so warm? While it’s not true you lose 80%, or 50%, or any specific percent of body heat through your head, it is true that wearing a hat—even one that doesn’t cover your ears—will keep you plenty warmer during the cold months. Try these ones out.

Borsalino Rex

Here, a classic from the famous Italian manufacturer, still doing much of its work by hand and still charging well over $50 for anything it sells. Still, it’s worth it, as you’ll be getting a hat of true quality from manufacturers that practically drip classic men’s style, if they weren’t so well-put-together that the idea of them dripping anything is anathema.

The manufacturing on these hats is absolutely top-notch, so even if you’re an amateur to men’s headwear and can’t tell the difference between this and a cheap fedora you might see in any old department store, after a while you’ll get it, and you’ll realize just exactly what you’ve got on your head. From Borsalino.

Borsalino Ivy Cap

Another timeless one from the Italians, this is the wool ivy cap you can’t really go wrong with.

While lacking the formal elegance of a fedora, the quality of the brand and the restrained colours and lines make this one of the best straight ivy wool caps you’re likely to ever see.

If you’re going to go with a style that’s slightly more relaxed, like this one, stick with top quality so you come out looking your best. You can pick this one up from various online shops, or head to any top-of-the-line hatwear store.

Still Life Carver

New York hatmakers Still Life are doing some fine work, and the Carver is no exception.

Its stitching, made up of tiny little squares, and topped off by the unorthodox detail of a tied string on the top, doesn’t take anything away from the hat’s confident shape. This is a hat for any day when the wind tries to get the better of you.

Again, don’t be fooled by its unconvention design. This isn’t some little bow-wrapped bonnet you pop on your head when you plan to go out skipping to Grandma-ma’s house.

It’s a serious hat for cold weather, with an unusual and kinda bold design touch. It’s made from black/grey wool with a 100% silk lining, available from Still Life.

Still Life Webber

Another one from Still Life, the Webber is one of two real winter hats we’re profiling here: a genuine leather exterior with an extremely warm rabbit fur lining.

This is one of the few hats with covers for your ears that succeeds with what is undoubtedly a difficult style choice.

Too many of these hats risk looking like little boy’s caps, or something out of the 1950s and better left behind in that decade, but not this one. This too is available from Still Life.

Navy Wool Watch Hat

Our only conventional tuque (or watch cap, or knit cap, or beanie, or however you’d like to refer to it outside of Canada), this one is a genuine US Navy Wool tuque. If you’re going to wear a tuque, make it simple, durable, and classic, three things this hat has in spades.

It’s also, by far, the least expensive choice here, literally under $10 US dollars. While it takes a little more fashion co-ordination to make a tuque work with every outfit, this (and a good grey one, too) are indispensible for those days when something that doesn’t cover the ears just isn’t do-able.

This one is available from amazon.

You’ve suffered through The Reader and slept through Doubt. You’ve been underwhelmed by Slumdog Millionaire and seen The Dark Knight so many times its greatness is starting to fade (but only from overuse). What then, men, is coming to theatres in the next few months for you to see?

Never fear, as ryoni.com has rounded up the five essential films you need to see as 2009 gets underway.

Watchmen (March 6th)

If you haven’t heard of this and aren’t already salivating/building a shrine/re-reading the comic for the 19th time, may I simply ask where the hell you’ve been? Alan Moore’s undisputed masterpiece is finally making it to the screen, with art input/direction by original artist Dave Gibbons.

Why it Will Be Good: The best graphic novel ever written gets 160 million dollars and an insanely committed team bringing it to the big screen. If the trailer is any indication, this is going to be a phenomenal film. The comic is extremely complex and layered, and if everyone stays on top of their game, this could be one of the most intelligent, creative comic-book adaptations ever filmed.

What’s in it For the Guys: Well, besides watching Dr. Manhattan blow up huge swaths of forest and create giant crystal cities on mars, you’ve also got Carla Gugino and her understated, mature sexiness playing Sally Jupiter, and the ridiculously beautiful Malin Akerman playing her daughter, who spends a good chunk of the comic (and hopefully the movie) wearing extremely short skirts designed to drive us insane.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1st)

The very best parts of the previous X-Men movies—the Wolverine story—are extended into a feature film. Set in my native Canada, this is sure to feature a bevvy of fantastic set pieces and one of the better comic-origin stories out there. Plus we get to see how Sabertooth comes about, too.

Why it Will Be Good: Although Brian Singer isn’t doing this one, we’ve still got high hopes. Of course Hugh Jackman is coming back, and the studio has picked a capable-if-unproven director in Gavin Hood. Without the entire X-Men franchise to deal with, this could be a great origin story, which is always where some of the best parts of all comic-book movies come from anyway.

What’s in it For the Guys: Well, besides all the snow-covered action (you just know there are going to be 20 shots of blood landing on fresh white snow—they can’t resist, these guys), Wolverine’s girlfriend is played by Lyn Collins, who has been smoking hot in this season’s amazing new HBO series True Blood. If she’s anywhere near as good in this film as she’s been on the small screen, guys will have no trouble finding plenty of things to enjoy here.

Terminator Salvation (June 5th)

Try not to be distracted by the recent rant by Christian Bale that made the interent go a little crazy recently—this is shaping up to be a great addition to the Terminator Canon, if we can call it that. Apparently taking a much more character-oriented direction than Terminator 3, that’s what brought Christian Bale on board, standards raised after the feast of excellence that was The Dark Knight.

Why it Will Be Good: Because it’s a kind of prequel to all the previous Terminator films. You remember how John Connor kept coming back—through time travel—and talking about that big old SkyNet war in the future? And we had futile little glimpses of it, but then everything else was set in the present day? No more of that—time travel, I mean—now we get a movie set in 2018 that is specifically about those very SkyNet wars, the things that seemed so damn cool in the first place.

What’s in it For the Guys: Bryce Dallas Howard is hot, although not everyone’s cup of tea. That’s why (we think) this film also features Moon Bloodgood, who besides having the coolest and most insane name for a movie star, well, ever, is damn good looking. She’s got Korean, Irish, and Dutch heritage, which has got to explain something. Keep an eye out.

Observe and Report (April 10th)

The second mall-cop movie coming out in a six-month span, here’s betting that this one is going to be the funnier of the two, by a big margin. Seth Rogen plays the mall security guard who has to deal with a flasher on the loose, and the movie is rated R for pervasive language, graphic nudity, drug use, sexual content and violence. Excellent.

Why it Will Be Good: Seriously, anything is better than Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and this movie’s story of a security guard with aspirations to be a real police officer should give Ray Liotta, who plays an actual detective, plenty of opportunities to re-inhabit his amazing role from the underrated NARC, swearing and all.

What’s in it For the Guys: Ana Faris is always a reliable addition that ups the hotness-quotient of any film, and even though we’re pretty sure the “graphic nudity” is likely going to be almost all male-based, you never know. There are a few other hotties in the cast, so here’s to hoping.

Bruno

Sasha Baron-Cohen’s follow-up to the unbelievably hilarious Borat, Bruno is his parody of all things fashion, an unbelievably over-the-top (for the rest of the world) fashionista who specializes in putting stereotypical industry-types into embarassing, hypocritical situations.

Why it Will Be Good: If Baron-Cohen has amassed enough material in-character that still seems realistic, there’s no way this won’t be hilarious. Although things certainly got more difficult for him after the worldwide success of Borat, word is that he started filming Bruno very soon after, so hopefully a whole bunch of otherwise in-the-known industry types had the wool pulled over their eyes.

What’s in it For the Guys: Admit it, there’s nothing like seeing a bunch of macho dudes put into hilariously embarassing situations by a flamboyantly gay Austrian who is faster and quicker with his jokes than practically anyone else in the world. Bruno was already legendary on the Ali G Show, and you just know he’s saving up some dynamite stuff for the film.

Times are tough all over, we know. So what the hell is a young man to do? Spend the day checking out photos on the site here, or maybe perusing some fine videos? By all means, but hey—what about your day job? Are you relaxed, calm, and secure in the fact that you aren’t at risk of a layoff? Hey, America just lost over half a million jobs in one month.

You’re good? Alright, then, lucky you can move on to ogling the rest of all this site has to offer. But if you’re still here, still hanging around, feeling a slight twinge as you wonder just how close you could get touched by this economic mess, we’ve got something for you.

See, there are a few things you can do, on your own, to increase that elusive thing known as job security. They aren’t even that difficult, so read on and see how to make this possible.

Pre-Emptively Make Your Case

Without being too obvious about this one, try and get some face time with anyone who might be in control of whether or not you stay in your job. Figure out a way to highlight exactly why you’re doing good work for the company without looking like you’re begging. Ask for a job review.

You can acknowledge that you’re doing this because of the atmosphere of uncertainty—any smart manager will have figured that out already, anyway—but don’t be nervous about it. Act as though circumstances have just obliged you and your bosses to take a look at everything you contribute, slightly earlier than usual. And, of course, be ready for this. Don’t blindly exaggerate what you do and what you’re worth, but make your case better than you ever have in the past.

Prepare Yourself Financially

You never know exactly what’s going to happen, and despite your best efforts you could still find yourself on the wrong side of a pink slip. So take the time to figure out a few scenarios that account for different types of situations you might be in if you’re laid off. Ranging from great, so/so, to really bad severance packages.

And, of course, don’t go insane with your spending if job cuts are in the air. If there was ever a time to be smart with your money, this is it. Don’t stuff everything under a mattress, but make sure you won’t be running up your VISA card the moment you’re out on the street, if it does happen. Plan.

Keep a Mini Job Search Going on the Side

While this is something a lot of people suggest all the time, it’s especially useful now. Don’t get discouraged by the amount of people out there looking for jobs too—it’s always tough, and no matter how good the market is, people are still going to tell you it’s hard to find a job.

There are always going to be people who put the work into their CV and keep up with their professional networking, and there are always going to be people who don’t. It doesn’t matter what the financial climate is. Right now, it just means that the normally-lazy are panicking and trying everything. They’re also the kind of types who will take the first offer to come along out of a fear that nothing else will.

If you’re smart, you won’t even have to compete against these people, whatever the market is like. Make sure you’ve always got a fresh CV at the ready and don’t pass on any opportunities.

Move Up

If you were ever unsure about trying to get a promotion, applying for an internal position above your capabilities, or just generally showing some ambition and seeing where it takes you, now is not the time for indecision. Apply for the promotion. Do in the in-house training. Take on more responsibilities. Companies don’t stop growing and promoting their people just because there’s a crisis going on around them, so you shouldn’t stop trying.

Play it Cool

Whatever you do, don’t panic. Sometimes things truly are out of your control, and the only thing you can do is make sure you don’t fall apart as a result. Don’t get paranoid, and if you do start getting nervous about your finances and your life, don’t bring it into work with you.

The people who ask the most paranoid, nervous, and incessant questions about their job security are doing two things wrong: first, they probably aren’t working, or at least not very well, because they’re spending most of their workdays sweating over whether the future will see them in a job. This is a self-fufilling prophecy: the future probably won’t find them in that job, because they aren’t doing it very well in the first place.

Don’t be one of those people. Sure, push for your review, highlight every one of your strengths, strive for that promotion, and keep up your profile on the outside, just in case. But don’t do it with any profound sense of panic or impending doom, or whatever you predict is just going to come and swallow you whole. You’ve got a job, a salary, and a brain in your head—don’t give them up to the winds of speculation.

That’s it—our five pieces of advice we hope keep you in a job, and in the black, for a long time to come. Got any other useful tips about how you can stay relevant and keep your job? Comment!

Friday, February 20th, 2009 is the day you should be in Rio di Janeiro, for it’s the day that one of the world’s biggest street parties and all-around insane celebrations begins. If you’ve ever wondered just what Carnival is, exactly, or why you need to be there, read on. We’ve got the 5 top reasons why it’s completely un-missable, especially for guys.

Some quick background: Carnival has pagan roots but is now largely a holiday celebrated in traditionally catholic countries, which sounds nauseatingly boring when you first hear about it, but is actually good, in that it was the time when, just before settling in for the long, celibate slog known as lent, every part of society went completely crazy and could do whatever they hell they wanted for a few days.

That’s right: mock the church, mock the elders, mock the idea that life is in any way serious. That was the point of carnival, and now, since we no longer have a huge number of countries defined solely by the church’s presence, the holidays are pretty much just giant parties.

So what are the top five reasons to be in Rio di Janeiro this year? Why is carnival one of those insane, unmissable holidays you need to experience once in your life? Here, let us explain.

5. The Drinking

If you’re from North America and haven’t left the continent specifically for a big European party, you’ve probably never realized just exactly how these things work. Sure, there are big tailgate parties and various sports events where everyone drinks and goes crazy, but there’s nothing like a sustained 4-day party that takes over an entire city from top to bottom.

It just doesn’t exist in that same way, which is why countless people get hooked on South American or Southern European culture the first time they get a taste of its communal life. Carnival in Rio isn’t really run by anyone in particular; sure, there are some agencies and organizations that take care of various things, but it’s stubborn and holds onto its improvisatory, communal roots, which means that if you show up at random, grab a drink, and start partying, no one is going to charge you admission, check your bracelet, bother you about ID even though you’re 25, or tell you to go home after 2AM.

And since drinking restrictions aren’t so insane in the rest of the world as they are in the US (do you really have to be 21 there?), there isn’t the same kind of binge-drinking culture, where certain venues and pre-approved times (Saturday night, etc) exist in which one can go all-out, but otherwise alcohol consumption is rather limited. No, places like Brazil are a little more relaxed when it comes to these things.

What this means for the average Western drinker is this: you will find the access to alcohol and the joy and relaxation inherent in its consumption to be completely different than what you’re used to. Don’t overdo it and treat it like one big bar that closes soon, just enjoy your booze and let it help you party like the rest of the city. That’s what it’s there for.

4. Unmistakeable Carnival Atmosphere

There’s something weird about Carnival, something about the Pagan roots that seem to bubble up no matter how far removed the current festival is from them. It’s a spirit of do-anything, a kind of temporary permission, granted by no one, to do whatever the hell you want.

This doesn’t mean you can go off robbing banks and blowing up bridges, just that when you see the mayor of a major city, or various other important officials, all acting with an equal sense of abandon, it gives you massive amount of license to do the same thing yourself. That’s the fundamental essence of Carnival, and you’ll find it strongest in Rio.

3. The Nudity

Ah, you knew we were getting to this, right? See, since the whole festival is organized by no one in particular, there isn’t much wrong with flashing a little skin. The general rules go: topless women on the floats = OK. Occasionally, something more = frowned upon, but what can you do? This gets controversial, but it happens, and if you’re there and watching the parades, you’ll probably get to see some very fantastic women in various stages of undress, moving at an incredible speed, which brings us to…

2. The Samba

Maybe not the big parade samba all the time, which is so insanely flashy and over-the-top that it starts to lose some of its original sexiness, but damnit there is no better place to find beautiful women dancing samba than Rio during Carnival. There are so many people there for that weekend, you can just wander over to a random corner and be completely blown away by the unbridled sexiness of several beautiful Brazilian ladies dancing into the night with sheer abandon. Speaking of beautiful women…

1. Brazilian Women in General

This is the number one reason to go to Brazil at anytime, and thus the number one reason to go during Carnival. I mean seriously, have you seen who this country produces? No? Not to worry, Ryoni.com will provided you with all the exhausting research required. Check out this video of Adriana Lima. Or our feature on Alessandra Ambrosio. Hell, here’s more Adriana Lima for you. Not to mention Gisele. Or Ana Beatriz. Or Izabel Goulart. Damn damn damn, I’m booking a plane ticket this second.