The brazen thrills found in wonderful videos and photos of luscious women are just fine, but they aren’t everything. There are—unfortunately—times when we have to head out into that broader world out there, and with such an obligation comes that eternal question: must a man have his own code?

The long answer is that every man is unique, that one person’s moral code is never instantly, immediately, or easily applicable to another person, and that each sees and experiences the world through his own lens, and thus must find his own path, his own way of being in the realm of experience.

The short answer is hell yes. Every man needs a code.

Here are ten rules you should be following in your quest to be the best man you can be. When you’re done checking out everything else this site has to offer, brush up on these admonitions—some universal and timeless, some contemporary and strangely specific—and go out into the larger world with verve, my son.

#10: Be Chivalrous.

Don’t worry about defending, explaining, or justifying yourself here. Just remember these two things: do not condescend (chivalry to the point of ridiculousness) and do not over-think (don’t worry if you forgot to walk closest to the curb last time you were on a date. It’s ok).

#9: Pay Attention to Your Shoes.

Yep. Unless you’re doing something really specific style-wise with those skate shoes, it’s time to move on up. Take the three-pair route: street, casual, dress. If you’re good, your street shoes can be something like Converse All-Stars, which you can use in various outfits without looking like a kid. So get good.

#8: Know What Music to Play During Dinner. And After.

If you’re lost in this area, go find your local independent music shop before it shuts down forever, and ask for “dinner music that won’t make anyone sick.” Don’t go with too much lounge or 4 hours of Thievery Corporation. Jazz, especially anything pre-1965, works wonders here. Take advantage of that crazy jazz guy’s knowledge before he gets fired.

After dinner, in more intimate situations, know this: albums by Marvin Gaye and Al Green are cliched and overdone and silly and obvious for about four seconds, whereupon they suddenly become perfect.

#7: Know How to Cook Dinner.

If you’ve announced that you don’t like the act of cooking or live in a wonderful city full of incredible take-out, fine. You’ve made your decision and you’re gonna live with it. But if you’re just coasting along on 2 or 3 plates and a dessert you make “better than anyone else!”, get moving. Before you master carpentry, fishing, hunting, or any kind of expensive off-road habit, you should hear other people refer to you as “a good cook.”

#6: Know What to Bring to a Party.

A few factors come into play here: you need to predict what the party is going to be like, using your knowledge of the host and some plain old intuition. Or just ask, straight-up: “Messy blowout, casual get-together, or nice dinner party?” Bring a bottle of wine to all of these. Ascending price based on classiness of party.

#5: Understand How to Drink.

After a certain point it becomes slightly ridiculous when you’re getting equally drunk at every event featuring copious amounts of alcohol. Pay a little attention. And hey—this is harder than you probably think. It’ll take a while. Don’t worry, we’ll be there for you.

#4: Comprehend the Difference Between a Text and a Phonecall.

Today’s wonderful technology means we’re texting each other at an ever-increasing rate. So—the medium has changed, but that doesn’t mean you get a free pass. Texts are for confirmation, little appointments, lots of other things; they aren’t for following up with a woman after a date, telling your significant other something really important, or anything that should still (for the foreseeable future) be done with your voice.

#3: Change a Flat Tire.

Even if you never have to do it, know how it’s done. This is a symbolic piece of knowledge for you and you alone. If you have to change a tire, careful: once you’re finished, act just like you would when you offer your seat to an elderly or pregnant person on the bus. Don’t make excessive eye contact with the other riders and don’t bask in your own goodness. Just get back in the car and get back to being yourself.

#2: Know How to Transcend.

Make sure you go beyond these arbitrary lists of rules for men, occasionally. Sometimes it’s deadly important to think about what it means to be a man, what “manliness” means to you or any number of people in your life, and you’re probably not gonna find all those answers online. When you do something transcendent, or something big happens to you, embrace it—don’t fall back on ceremony when you don’t have to.

#1: Be Your Own Man.

Most of these lists feature something about facial hair, grooming, or some other trend-dependent thing that changes every year. So here: let’s say this rule told you to “cut that facial hair.” Then pretend you’re going to ignore that suggestion, because it’s not set in stone, hardly necessary, and the world is boring when everyone’s got a clean shave. Take this philosophy and expand outwards.

Yesterday we threw out five things you can start doing, today, to slowly-but-surely transform yourself into a fine dude. No tricks, no deceit, just straight up self-improvement in finest Thoreauvian style. The great thing about all these methods is that they work for anyone, at anytime, whatever your level of accomplishment with women is, or with life in general (they also work for females, too, of course). And they’re just plain useful to do in general, so while you scope out gorgeous women on the site, read on for some fine ways on how you can start getting them into your life, if they’re not there already.

These methods, more than any quickly learned game, are the things that will keep your personality going, the things that will make sure that you don’t end up with a wonderful girl at your side and have nothing to offer after some fine pick-up techniques.

First, a side project: read this very short and very excellent short story by Tobias Wolff. See the part where he talks about this:

after he’d really messed things up, and been fucked over, and got lost, and kept going anyway—when this little green soul of his had taken some lumps and some weather and bulked up into a man’s soul, so that he could look out of his own eyes and not feel like a kid in a mask.

Besides straight-up experience, these are the kinds of things that need doing if you want to get past the problem Wolff writes about above.

5. Be good.

This doesn’t mean be wishy-washy, soft, overly nice, boring, or dry and earnest. It means find the outlines of a moral framework somewhere (mentors, your own thoughts, philosophers, religion, whatever), know it will change over time but don’t let that stop you, and work towards some kind of goodness. What this really means is being conscious when you do shitty things. If people detect that you have a sense of goodness you’re working from (if it seems innate, hey, you’re lucky) or striving towards (like most of us), they’re apt to trust you, open up to you, and all the rest. Including women you’re chasing after. Don’t abuse the priviledge.

4. Stay Positive.

The most cliched on all the list, and thus the most simple. Girls like positive guys. Not stupid/positive or dopey/happy, but positive. Unless you are a misanthropic artist who uses emotionally-screwed techniques to win beautiful girls to your bed over and over again, you’re not going to pick up, get with, or stay with anyone by constantly being pissed off at life.

Sure, great art sometimes comes out of a fundamental pessimism (check Beckett for a reminder). But chances are you’re not a great artist, so don’t use that as an excuse for anything. If you were to follow every piece of advice on this list, meet dozens of women, love many of them, have years of rich experience, and THEN decide to lapse into negativity, fine. You’d have earned it and you’ll be an interesting guy regardless. But don’t start from there.

3. Play to your strengths.

If, through some strange anomaly of nature. you find yourself naturally unable to try or accomplish any of these suggestions, here’s still one to remember. Take a while to figure out what you’re best at and work on that stuff. Hard. Don’t force your interest in stuff you just don’t give a shit about–there have always been more things in the world to learn about than your mind could ever fit in a lifetime, so you’ve gotta pick them well, which means you’ve gotta know yourself a little bit.

There’s a little exception here, which is that if your strengths fall into the nerdier regions and include playing World of Warcraft, posting on message boards, and generally using computers with some skill, you gotta branch out. Doesn’t mean any of those things are shitty on their own, but don’t let them turn into everything. Ogle beautiful girls online and then go find them in real life. The two can exist hand-in-hand just fine.

2. Don’t complain.

Although this seems just like our previous “stay positive” admonition, it’s not. Sometimes, no matter how hard you’re trying to keep positive, you’ll find yourself whining or complaining about something. This is generally toxic, especially at the beginning of a flirtation or relationship. It’s also the easiest thing to do, sometimes. Which is why it’s brutal.

No, really: it’s far easier to complain about the bullshit your manager just dumped on your desk and how he’s an embarassment to the company and your perspective on how your government office works is pretty unique and even though you try and do a smart job no one gives a shit which just makes the days shitty and there’s never any time anymore and who the hell really wants to…. see? There’s almost nothing easier than complaining, and if you don’t watch it, you’ll do it even with people you’ve just met.

If you’re prone to this, and many are, this is something you’ve got to keep in your mind constantly in order to not fall into its trap. Naturally, endearingly positive people often seem like they’re born that way, but there are plenty who are continuously making the decision not to complain, the conscious choice, over and over, until it becomes natural. Try it, especially if you’re working on your game.

1. Be active.

The only reason this is #1 is because it makes all the other things on this list so much damn easier. If you get half an hour of good exercise in every day, literally every single other thing we’re talking about here becomes magically, incredibly easier to pull off. Nevermind all the other benefits. Spending lots of energy paradoxically gives you even more. It literally makes your days longer.

Got any extra suggestions? Let us know through your comments!

Sometimes you just need a little push. Your game is good, you’re plenty sharp as a guy, but you know there are just certain things you could be doing right now that would not only make your own life a little more shining and rich, but would draw females toward you in that effortless way you’ve always wanted. These aren’t really secrets–successful guys (successful people, for that matter) do these things on a consistent basis, but everyone starts somewhere. So here are 5 things (with another 5 tomorrow) you can start doing today (just pick one of them, don’t over-do it) that will instantly and permenantly up your cachet in a lasting, legitimate way.

And this works for guys who already have girls, too. Improving yourself and becoming more attractive (in the original sense of attractive, ie., that you attract others towards you) is something you should probably be doing your whole damn life, not just in that ferocious period where you’re trying to win a girl (or several). Being ‘effortlessly good’ takes work, but it’s good work, so read on for 5 things you can do, pick one of them, and start.

10. Learn another language but keep it damn interesting with good movies.

Read Tim Ferris’s post on the subject and start small. Pick a language that’s useful to you (something like Spanish, French, Mandarin, Arabic), and figure out the language books that get recommended the most. Use amazon for that. Pick up one, and then use it as an excuse to watch a ton of movies in that language (obviously subtitled in English, but if you work hard for a few months you might start watching stuff in its original language–always subtitled.) Italian and French are the best candidates for this based solely on cinema alone. Best of all, this ties into #9:

9. Pick a cultural area and get heavily accquainted with it.

Like Italian film. Don’t do this lightly and don’t fake it. Read a couple of books on the subject and watch what you can. You gotta branch out. Here are a few to try, if you’re feeling lost:

• Any major part of art history
• Any major literary movement (try reading 3 victorian novels and a light, fun non-fiction book on the period. It’ll do wonders for the next time you have to explain why your moral system isn’t crazy, which is perfect when you’re chasing 2, 3, 4 girls at once…)
• Music below the surface (pick anything here: early or late reggae, delta blues, balkan brass bands… it’s limitless)

Whatever you choose will lead you to future things. When you’re interested in stuff, it shows. Keep positive, stay curious, and people will want to know more.

8. Travel Alone

Try a couple of weeks entirely alone through a foreign country. I don’t need to explain anything else about why this is good for you becoming a more attractive, desireable guy, but if you want to make a good impression you really should have the capacity to pull this off. It speaks volumes about your capacity elsewhere.

7. Cook, for the love of God

Don’t be intimidated by other dudes who are experts in one cuisine or another, naysayers who call you elitist, or those who hold their enjoyment of food as a kind of snobbery above everyone else. We all gotta eat 3 times a day, so it’s one area you can improve yourself in without putting yourself out too much. Keep it positive and buy something like Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything. Maybe throw in Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food so you can explain why you’re spending so much more time cooking these days (not that it should really be necessary). Start simple and fresh. Don’t go nuts making 4-course heavy french meals for your friends when all you gotta do is work from simplicity.

6. Work–yeah, actually work on–your own sense of curiosity.

This is hard. This is real hard. But it makes all the difference in how much input you get into your brain from other people, and it does a billion other things for you–it fills you with information, with stories, tales, anecdotes, and emptathy for others, understanding, and experience. When you develop (and you do have to develop it, only a select few are born with it naturally) this ability to be curious in other people, to put the initial unknowingness on hold at the beginning and treat every person you meet like they have a prize-winning novel-worthy story inside of them, you’ll be on a step towards making yourself a great person too.

And not to mention how flat-out attractive this makes you. Again, in the traditional sense of the word. People are attracted towards people like this, for obvious reasons. Read this article about Studs Terkel. Now I doubt any of us could match his insane enthusiasm for other people, but if you can capture just 5% of what he got from his fellow man you will be a lucky dude indeed, in every sense of the word.

Try 5 more tomorrow!